tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48066252229826498672024-03-12T16:52:14.580-07:00Raver With A CauseThe Official Blog For Multi-Talented Yoku MasakiYoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.comBlogger114125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-44654918252789490142017-10-21T13:31:00.001-07:002017-10-21T13:33:21.244-07:00Another Year of Heartbreak. (and Anger)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge0_HTgvqaznbCYKtGEj8pqTCRrxkwpx3zKUvTbSKzOdLS8pD9OeWU1Z4ceked8cCTgjiZCkm0m34tYY6QGwZkAbr4UBzKR3iHA3AFZYoUXeoXDiauF9qh2cTjPH353af9cmvUzKcEwbI/s1600/Anger-And-Love-Quotes-023.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="767" data-original-width="767" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge0_HTgvqaznbCYKtGEj8pqTCRrxkwpx3zKUvTbSKzOdLS8pD9OeWU1Z4ceked8cCTgjiZCkm0m34tYY6QGwZkAbr4UBzKR3iHA3AFZYoUXeoXDiauF9qh2cTjPH353af9cmvUzKcEwbI/s320/Anger-And-Love-Quotes-023.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Have you ever gotten the same advice from people over and over again, and even when you take it and it doesnt work you end up getting the same advice still over and over?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">thats enough to make you mad, Yes?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">lash out even?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">that was me yesterday.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">i got angry at some of my friends who gave me the same spoon fed advice after i have had weeks of depression dealing with being single again for 7 years. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">and whats worse is that mostly</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">i'm tired of people giving me the same cookie cutter advice on dating.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">"Pleanty of Fish in the sea"</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">"Wait for the moment, youre time will come"</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">"go to a bar"</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">"go to a Con"</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">"Go to a Dating site"</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">"try a Dating app (i.e. Tinder)"</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">"She has't seen you yet."</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">"go to a concert"</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">"Change who you are and maybe she will come to you"</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">"Focus on yourself"</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">"LOVE YOURSELF"</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">it's enough to make me mad all the time. the moment i hear those words from any of these it pisses me off.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> they tell me The same answers after i say this usually...</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">"I understand that but it's the truth. I know it's irritating and you're tired of hearing it but you do need to love yourself, Raijphinai"</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">But for how long? HOW LONG? i love myself so much i don't feel it's fair to love myself when someone else deserves it as muchas i do myself!</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">it's just i've done all these things. especially loving myself. im running out of metaphorical cups to pour my love overflowing in, because i have to keep doing it and it's getting to be too much.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">it's just i've done all these things. especially loving myself.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">i just want a friend who is willing to be spontaneus on helping me in anything New.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">im not asking anyone to MAKE me a Girlfriend, but at least help me in a new way to get a woman's attention. Hell, i even played the "be an assertive asshole" card.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">I had an arguement with two friends because they were more upset with me on the fact I was Being Rude and Angry in defense to them when they were being friends with me and that i had no right to act that way, more or less. and yet they don't notice that im HURT. i'm SAD. i'm ALONE. to the point if i hear the same old dribble im going to be upset. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">i wouldn't be mad or rude to people if people didn't give me the same advice.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">and don't forget optimism. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">yes. im alive. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">im less hurt from being in a relationship.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">women are evil or jerks sometimes</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">you doging a bullet.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">it's better than being single.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">and finally, the one i hate the most...</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">"well at least you have your success in Photography"</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">what the FUCK does that have to do with relationships? i would love to have a girlfriend who supported my work and be my vessel in my work. that would be 10x better than hiring any plain Jane model.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">I mean i once stated that i'm willing to help a woman see the beauty in herself that my career could evolve her into a model for all i know cause of my success. that i would shoot with her day or night. that i would take her all around the world with me. I have so many dreams it's rediculous.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">i know my autism and depression and Anxiety can't be an excuse either, but GODDAMN i'm just so sick of those same cards being dealt with me.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm tired of the fact no matter how much i love and change myself i don't get noticed, even when im not asking for it.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">i don't want someone to MAKE me a girlfriend either, like for god's sake it's rediculous to ask that.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">not asking for sympathy either. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">but i am asking for better advice. or something more spontaneus. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">something random that i can take to the next level. and that maybe it can work out for me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">*Jurai or Die*</span></span></div>
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Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com0Toledo, OH, USA41.6639383 -83.55521199999998341.474120299999996 -83.877935499999978 41.8537563 -83.232488499999988tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-89385071424488438802017-07-13T00:26:00.000-07:002017-07-13T00:37:57.798-07:00Problems with My Mental Health: It's Been a While. But I'm Not Okay. <div style="text-align: center;">
Had a Moment of breakdown today. Ended up Livestreaming the moment Since it reached a breaking point of Aggression and Pain. But enough is Enough. I've Upset My Best friend, to the point she is Keeping her distance from me, not to mention she is Dealing with Heartbreak herself from a breakup. And it feels like People are either assuming im asking for attention, or Im making this up. Ive cried so many nights i felt so much pain letting things go. </div>
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Monday.</div>
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Tuesday:</div>
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Wednesday, </div>
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Received Words of Encouragement from a Friend/Model who admires my work and Even Worked with me Once. </div>
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"Yesterday is over. </div>
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Learn from the lessons you came across but do not live in the negative moments on which you stumbled over. Always reflect but don't stay there or you will miss the amazing present in front of you.</div>
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Today is here. </div>
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What a beautiful gift indeed! A chance to grow and stay positive. Do not focus on the what ifs, could haves or should haves. Shine bright to light up hope for someone who may be alone crawling in the dark. Stay positive! You made it here! Look at you kicking ass and surviving! You have overcome so much already, DO NOT cut yourself down for being a fighter because you are a champion! Life is trying to talk to you. Listen.</div>
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Tomorrow is waiting for you.</div>
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Be excited because no matter what happens in the current moment, you can try again. Grab all the opportunities it has to offer because it is a new, undamaged, clean page which to write anything you want. The beautiful things you can write are endless! Keep your mind open more and your soul free!</div>
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You've got this!! 💜 I'm only a message away and I'm not the only one. We all love you Rai! Keep your head up so you can see. Don't walk with your head down anymore! Your feet will carry you without you staring down at them. Life, opportunity and happiness are front of you, not below you. Your friends and family walk beside you, not below you. Your missing the view staring at the past. Chin up! Shoulders back! Today is the first day of forever!!</div>
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Xoxo</div>
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Kristin Arlee"</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCadXh-tUjRv4xlDT-vJ4b-M_CKRfi3etTEQRQNITyAVgN10lAjukLZQ3p1dSA2PKwqITN8mM9qnSRyaK9Z1a5m4xgYTNR2P4xafhC5ebA8L5MQtuGap-zGXOXQFl-SDK85gzyIXmnVrE/s1600/14081285_1378483145501548_888597841_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCadXh-tUjRv4xlDT-vJ4b-M_CKRfi3etTEQRQNITyAVgN10lAjukLZQ3p1dSA2PKwqITN8mM9qnSRyaK9Z1a5m4xgYTNR2P4xafhC5ebA8L5MQtuGap-zGXOXQFl-SDK85gzyIXmnVrE/s320/14081285_1378483145501548_888597841_n.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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(photo of Model/Friend mentioned, Photo taken By me)</div>
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I have to start implanting in my mind about the Fact i need to be more understanding of the deal in which i have to not feel upset with myself in carrying such burden, like the second video states, I'm not wrong for Being Hurt in overflowing, but I need to make sure my mind and soul stay more free, even if it means worrying about myself more than others at times. it's hard for me to be selfish even a little, because at one point in my life, i was TOO selfish. and i Promised myself i wouldn't go back to that again. i only hope i don't.</div>
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and as for my close friend? I Love her, and I only Hope her ordeal is healed and we can be back together like old times. </div>
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but the wait is painful enough. and I have to still be patient, whether I like it or not.. </div>
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*Jurai Or....*</div>
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Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-4030995973566024142016-06-09T01:30:00.001-07:002016-06-09T14:59:43.327-07:00More miscommunication. or Maybe im insane.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://fr.web.img5.acsta.net/medias/nmedia/18/35/14/84/18377438.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://fr.web.img5.acsta.net/medias/nmedia/18/35/14/84/18377438.jpg" height="265" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5s868-0-0"><span data-text="true">Every-time i try to do something not intended to be negative it ends being exactly that. and i hate being someone asking for notice on that but it always seems lie im begging for attention. when in reality thats not what i want to be, this is why being depressed and in physical pain to myself seems the route to go at times. because i don't have any solution. nothing else usually helps and therapy only does so much. you look at me as if im being this "Woe is Me"type of characteristic. im not trying to be that at all. im more like "give me something to stop me feeling this way" so that i don't make you feel like you're walking on eggshells. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5s868-0-0"><span data-text="true">i feel like i'm more of a psycho. because no one understands me and they interpret my mental state as either insane or stupid. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5s868-0-0"><span data-text="true">see that picture on this post? i've been referred to this character for years. YEARS. it hurtful, it's Sad, It's Depressing and yet i have felt this was a mark on me for years. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5s868-0-0"><span data-text="true">i still get bullied of being similar to this character. whats worse is sometimes the people who once called me friends have done this to me even my relationship issues have been destroyed because of my insulted affiliated. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5s868-0-0"><span data-text="true">this is why i will forever speak out of my disability. because no one has to go through this travesty. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5s868-0-0"><span data-text="true">i was not sent here to be treated this way. because of who i am. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5s868-0-0"><span data-text="true">it's not okay. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5s868-0-0"><span data-text="true">and i feel like everyone feels it is when it's not. it's never okay.</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5s868-0-0"><span data-text="true">*Jurai Or....* </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5s868-0-0"><span data-text="true"><br /></span></span>Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-1400616416171387082016-06-07T21:56:00.000-07:002017-07-13T00:27:43.784-07:00Problems with My Mental Health: Miscomunnication<div style="text-align: center;">
One of my troubles is the fact when i write something its hard to tell what or how i am addressing it to people without body language. if i said something That's a compliment, my written comment would be mistaken as a insult. becasue of either the choice of words i write it out as or the way it was addressed written. its my hardest issue since growing up and being less social. for example, recently i told a model her work was well done since she had started to shoot her own photos just by using a old phone camera, i addressed to her in writing, that for someone to be using an old camera phone to take very well done pictures, she was very talented, and that perhaps when she has a DSLR she can take even more well photos.</div>
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unfortunately she took it as an insult. I hate when times like these it's hard for me to address compliments, confessions, and sometimes attraction or even jokes, when it seems like the words i choose are not in a right order to be taken either positive or good in general when im trying to be. it's sad because most times i used to be negative and the worse thing is because i am in my emotions alot it makes me sad heavy when people start being angry with me when it happens. its as if i was told i am the "Worst friend ever" to my face and i can't stop hearing it.</div>
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I've even dealt with relationship opportunities being damaged because of this situation. i once told a girl who liked me about something that ended up to her sounded insulting when it wasn't, and because of that she stuck me back in the rejection area.</div>
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it's sad that when i try to say something logical, it comes out as insulting. when i make a compliment, it comes out negative. when i try to be positive in words, it turns out to sound like hate. </div>
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please try to understand it wasn't my intent if you make that assumption. but also please ask me if anything what i mean. becauae when you think i am bein anything negative, im really not.</div>
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other wise i will definatly be silent as i once were years ago.</div>
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*Jurai Or Die*</div>
Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06778623035980221005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-13505799427150031152016-05-05T02:09:00.001-07:002017-07-13T00:27:22.221-07:00Problems with My Mental Health : sense of less intuition. <div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"> I don't realize when is a time and place to realize curiosity is a not a bad thing and details are not always ment to be seen and heard. It's bad I don't realize when I have to take a step back and realize it's not my business to know the details on someone's personal or private moments or plans. I tend to not realize I overstep boundaries til it happens afterwards. I hate when it ruins my friendships or it tends to give the people who care about me a sense of uncomfort. I did it recently when I asked a friend about her plans for doing shoots and she was multitasking things on planning things out for video and photography and promotions and what have you. I kept asking questions to know more detail til I didn't realized I was overdoing it and the close friend of mine felt upset at the outcome and was mad at me. I hate it. I wish I never had this feeling sometimes cause its probably why I deal with this shit on a daily basis. She had every right to be upset. I do this a lot and it's one of my habits. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">There are times I don't realize my curiosity needs to be limited, that it's okay to not know. But sadly I don't have the logic to comprehend it. Sometimes when I get requests from someone to get something or do a favor, it feels like I'm missing information, til it goes to the point I am lost, such as something simple like a bottle of soda, or a combination of a order at a fast food restaurant. I hate it sounds like I'm being a smart ass. But I'm really not. I'm just needin more detail to understand the situation. To get a better glimpse of what I need to do. It works easier in restaurants because it's part of the job to the perfection, but it's annoying to the public and with friends because I have to ask otherwise it will confused the hell out of me. I don't like it. Never did. But it's something I did all my life til I got older. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Please if youve ever been a witness to this, let me know and pull me back into reality to get me to stop. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel uncomfortable in this sense. And to my friends who I annoy with this, I'm sorry. It's something I need to gradually learn. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">*Jurai Or Die*</span></div>
Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06778623035980221005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-75772696034076876742016-04-12T01:33:00.001-07:002016-04-12T01:33:20.430-07:00Creating art with a Dangerous Mind.<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://images.8tracks.com/cover/i/002/419/474/lonely-3203.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://images.8tracks.com/cover/i/002/419/474/lonely-3203.jpg" height="256" width="320" /></a></div>
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Went to get my transit pass today cause i can't drive still due to the anxiety.</div>
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this month i get older, but i did break one silence this year, I've old a close friend why i cant drive. if anything my anxiety was not always expressive but now i felt comfortable to express that to someone as to why i cant drive.</div>
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I've always felt the simple things i don't have are why I'm by myself and single for the last 5 to 6 years, the money, the car, the home, the way I'm dress, the way i speak. the way i look. my weight, my bald head, my facial hair. my bad habits in talking too much, or coming on too strong when talking to a woman. sometimes its confusing. i get anxiety from talking to people, even women. some i was lucky to gain attention due to my art skills or mutual friends. but if anything its because of that alone is why i was able to break ground with them. i look amongst me and i see women who break up with people ore get dumped, saying they will stay single forever, and then contradict themselves when a man their physically attracted to talks to them. i have one friend who literally ends up sleeping with a guy before she even gets to know them. like how does that happen? i don't hate her, its just sad i see that happen. sometimes i feel like maybe its a curse having too many women as friends then men. i felt that if anything growing up with women being more dominant in the bloodline was the reason why I'm easily able to communicate with women after i am able to break ground. but at the same time, I've tried to have a shot with no avail, i tried asking a close friends of women i like asking advice what i should do, and still doesn't help. and then seeing so many other things on an on and on. its sad a close friend of mine who shows no interest in me is willing to take me to celebrate my birthday and she doesn't have to. honestly i feel bad about it when i think about it. time to time some women i cant even shoot or regret shooting because as a rule as a photographer, you're "not to put your emotions in your work or work field". and yet its hard because my emotions makes the work i produce better. that's like saying, don't use your imagination to write a story, use you're intellect instead. if anything this year makes me feel like its another year of me being single and alone.</div>
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today marks the third week ive been depressed in years. ive never thought i dealt with this issue for so long. and if anything i feel sick. i had to hide some of it sunday when i was being productive because i had to be professional. only because sometimes i can not be a sour puss when working for models. they dont care about my heart, they care about my work. (well a few care about me in some cases but not heart wise much) its tragic i can make the most well made photography, and yet i have to sleep off this depression yet end up waking up with the depression. i can make art to make me think, "i have the greatest job in the world" and yet go home saying ," i want to end my life" every hour. how is that possible? how is it i can make this craft and yet still feel miserable? is it my passion:? ignorance? i dont understand. if anything it is rediculous. some people would tell me to either stop working or not persue this but i do love it too much, to the point in mu success i ask for one thing: to have a special woman by my side be proud of what i do, let people know that a man she gives her heart to makes the art he loves. and that he loves life, loves art, and loves her. not sex. not bragging rights, not even lewd reasons. if anything i see sex more reasons why i noticed relatioships on my friends list at times. and sometimes it makes me confused. if i talk sex, im considered a "Dog" or a "pervert" but if i talk about love and passion, im considered some"gay black guy talking out of his ass" or worse. to the left of me assertiveness, to the right chivalry. its like neither can go together, thug and an gentleman. GEMINI. </div>
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i feel like this year and this lonely heart needs to change and fast. if anything for my mom's sake to know she can rest happy knowing im loved by a woman who loves me for me. and loves me and gave me a chance to love her back. </div>
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but again im probably writing another excuse to why im single still for another 6th year.</div>
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venting or maybe just frustrated and yet feeling too deep and alone.</div>
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i dunno. maybe i'll never get out of this rotting hole of depression.</div>
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especially since i can't get alot of help or wont get the love i desire.</div>
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you be the judge. </div>
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*jurai Or Die*</div>
Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-11073658549757165042015-12-05T19:09:00.000-08:002015-12-05T19:09:09.465-08:00Vision of loss.<div style="text-align: center;">
Lost a Close friend of 5 years this week because slowly she was not seeing my vision and not giving it the respect it deserves. at the same time made me lose another friend who had potential in helping me with my future career. </div>
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sometimes its hard to lose track of what your passionate for and what youre loving. because all you want is support. but it means nothing without love. you can always respect and feel that someone cares for you or what youre drive is, but it's nothing without love. i can't love sometimes friends because my love is a different meaning. it doesn't mean i don't care. i need to save the love for myself. for everytime someone says i "Should love Myself first" i put my love for them off after my own love.</div>
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a close friend of mine actually reccomended me try an app tonight called "Happify" in which helps your stress and emotion with a series of games, its very resourceful in information, i'm hoping down the line it helps me mentally and emotionally. </div>
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since i've moved back to Ohio it seems things gotten more barren for me. and the people i once connected with in Arizona have started to distance me. one of my close friends has gone on to push me out now because i didn't accept her having a new relationship yet she was very open in showing her heart for me when she was single. another has gone and erased me afterwards due to the fact that i apparently am that toxic because of my doucheness at times as my sign of humor. it's really fucked up sometimes. and yet i came this way because of how i was treated. not to mention how people felt i needed to be. </div>
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i did know some people i unfortunatly can't talk with at times but i know they care. most from ohio. only two to three in Arizona i know are so busy in thier lives i can't have them come to me because of what i deal with because my life isn't important. but i hate times when i have to constanly message them. one in particluar is a gal i worked with in arizona who blogs like me in time to time for the sake of getting things out of the open. her stuff is really good. in some levels she can relate to me and we even worked together on a shoot that reflects our emotions. i feel like sometimes when i read her stuff. i care. i actually see alot of myself in her. yet we have gone through different scenarios and situations, the emotions are the same. she has an advantage but somehow i see myself in her. and i guess its why she means alot to me. even as a friend sometimes. i feel that it's really important what she talks about. yet i wish i could tel others why she does and feels these feelings the way she does. it's powerful her words are. and yet the dark makes her the most beautiful thing ive seen. from at least my perspective. </div>
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Here's my favorite picture of her shot by me. and please check out her blog to see what i mean. tell her shes beautiful and her words are as well.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUeW_9EqQN_J5vcsk604dSsQ2G3SN7kxZQ59flcuuKgXgt-J9PGhjHOSPOQr6erEerfnd3U-Z_mXGOwiRcb93-VGVnwkr6eyEvVO0vxKxzSn1qzLFm33r2BipdeIFEgNcivLEX4kl5sA/s1600/IMG_0450.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUeW_9EqQN_J5vcsk604dSsQ2G3SN7kxZQ59flcuuKgXgt-J9PGhjHOSPOQr6erEerfnd3U-Z_mXGOwiRcb93-VGVnwkr6eyEvVO0vxKxzSn1qzLFm33r2BipdeIFEgNcivLEX4kl5sA/s320/IMG_0450.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Her Blog: https://logolepy.wordpress.com/</div>
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<br />*Jurai Or Die* </div>
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<br />Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06778623035980221005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-16299152095239378892015-11-10T02:24:00.002-08:002015-11-10T02:24:56.294-08:00The Pain Still Lingers.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbDFVItrhvAhO0YX32wxbFBhPv_IafZYhPbUHtYTyGKX0eSHxSwF1D2GvrwiwADE0usWan7RQqHCxAA5F0oB0o-auEjrJyFswbm1mhTmq5TSk3ZxNZ_03Hrbhxb_Jvouw649FB5AvEAw/s1600/PhotoGrid_1417764083046.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbDFVItrhvAhO0YX32wxbFBhPv_IafZYhPbUHtYTyGKX0eSHxSwF1D2GvrwiwADE0usWan7RQqHCxAA5F0oB0o-auEjrJyFswbm1mhTmq5TSk3ZxNZ_03Hrbhxb_Jvouw649FB5AvEAw/s320/PhotoGrid_1417764083046.png" width="180" /></a></div>
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yeah, i got to come back here more often cause no one reads my facebook page posts anyways. </div>
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I should be sleeping, but all i can do is stand here focus on being productive and not think about the pain of my heart day by day, and yet, i can't stop relapsing the hurt i have to endure and force the pain inside me to pretend nothing happened to me or that i survive. and despite that all. i have to act like i'm able to live with this, and everything that surrounds me is contemplating of emotion that i can't just set aside. i just want this to go away every time i let down, i want this pain to go away when i have to deal with the lies, and the times i've been used and the times ive been taken advantaged of like everyone else and just smile and tough it out. and i can't. i see everyone progress in emotion and i can't do the same but i progress in everything else. why? why does i get blessed with everything else in favor but the one thing i desire more is never fulfilled? even when im focused on other things the temptation comes back around on me and then again after again i get the pain and anger. it's like i was born with an emotional defect that drives away the attraction. </div>
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*Jurai or Die* </div>
Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06778623035980221005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-40096713875866829052015-08-31T23:21:00.001-07:002015-08-31T23:21:31.352-07:00Well Well Well, look who came crawling back...Yeah, i know. im here again.<br />
so what has happend since i loast posted here?<br />
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Well first i moved to Arizona.<br />
Started my photography skills.<br />
Still dealing with rejection of women.<br />
<br />still dealing with my moms' health. which is why i may not be staying for long here.<br />
the worse part is i know i only am friends with a few models due to the fact of my work ethic.<br />
why does it sttill hurt?<br />
i had the worse rejection ever when i went all the way on a hour train ride to downtown phoenix to meet a girl i was madly interested in, only to see her and her rejecting me for a guy who is her interest in the case of what he looks like.<br />
and yet i gotten abit stronger in my case for dealing with the rejection.<br />
less crying.<br />
more silence.<br />
and anger in some cases.<br />
I don't know how or why. when i haven't even done anything to make this feel wierd.<br />
hell some women i at least know i don't have a shot with, so im glad of being friends with them, but a few gems i see who i hope were interested i guess didn't see anything in a guy like me.<br />
whats worse is two photographers in the area both have done things with thier spouses who are models too, and yet i envy that.<br />
i dunno really what to write but this because its kinda got me so down today. to know that not even in this state or city i don't think i have a chance in hell to have someone of my own to make happy. even when im successful in my craft.<br />
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can't catch a break.<br />
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i don't even know what else to say because i don't even think anyone reads this. and im sure they already assume im being perverted or something.<br />
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*Jurai or Die*Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06778623035980221005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-54426037380929528102015-04-04T01:54:00.000-07:002015-04-04T01:54:09.540-07:00Be careful, I love you, stay in touch.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNZUOph1IAFeMFT95vFRubfi7REa3xJa7jEpClz229IQfPa06xJYgswTNRxPHqSMelQhJZFgURu-RBR4F1VIDTJpBdUaI8K_8u4ofdse6tYFRxShfwpV3fTwuDsZvfIe_IoiDbVv271w/s1600/IMG_0007+(2).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNZUOph1IAFeMFT95vFRubfi7REa3xJa7jEpClz229IQfPa06xJYgswTNRxPHqSMelQhJZFgURu-RBR4F1VIDTJpBdUaI8K_8u4ofdse6tYFRxShfwpV3fTwuDsZvfIe_IoiDbVv271w/s1600/IMG_0007+(2).jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a></div>
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I have to trust Her.</div>
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I recently got into a argument with her because I felt like she was holding information back from me on her and another guy.</div>
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and it blew up in my face.</div>
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I want to forget that Ever happen.</div>
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I'm trying to. </div>
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But the lingering keeps happening.</div>
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I want this to work so that when we meet it will mean something.</div>
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I have to trust her.</div>
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I've been down rpads where the women I had feelings for from a distance I couldn't trust. And they ended bad. </div>
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I don't want this from her. Because she says she values and considers my feelings. </div>
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And I believe her on that.</div>
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because NO WOMAN EVER DOES.</div>
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my anxiety plays tricks on me.</div>
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but also my friends tell me the scenarios that this could be in. I don't want to believe that.</div>
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but again it doesn't seem that way.</div>
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but I have to trust her.</div>
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I have to tell myself this is real.</div>
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and she is real.</div>
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and in the end, it will be worth it. </div>
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Because I want to be the one to be her BEST FRIEND In the world.</div>
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I've worked my way to being the there for her for more than two years. </div>
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I refuse to let this end With nothing.</div>
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she is my Robin.</div>
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and I am her bruce.</div>
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because she's my partner in crime.</div>
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more than a potential soul mate but a partner.</div>
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equal in hearts and mind.</div>
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If there is a god, let her be the one for me.</div>
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*Jurai Or Die*</div>
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Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06778623035980221005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-42187938629609767812015-03-26T01:45:00.001-07:002015-03-26T01:45:15.353-07:00support.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTM3wGi-G5febzco5LGHcYPTN3LlurdehUehLahF6lmG8uTzJP-0ZzYTunIy9_exZJ3g0pheBzGouxUsVqEkf4yGdQBQw4IkiBdzXzKD4RX8B6TWBj4p6zZqq6Y4ERFFgntmvTkagUhg/s1600/FB_IMG_1424466773474.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTM3wGi-G5febzco5LGHcYPTN3LlurdehUehLahF6lmG8uTzJP-0ZzYTunIy9_exZJ3g0pheBzGouxUsVqEkf4yGdQBQw4IkiBdzXzKD4RX8B6TWBj4p6zZqq6Y4ERFFgntmvTkagUhg/s1600/FB_IMG_1424466773474.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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I feel like sometimes the girl I have feelings for doesn't want to give me the support I expect back even though I support her all the time. When she posts about how she feels bad for those who leave her and how some people who stay with her she is grateful for, I wonder if she even cares about what goes on in their lives? When I lost my aunt, I didn't get any support from her. When I got kicked out she never texted me back . When I dealt with health scares, she never said anything of showing concern. I don't want to be mad at her because she is dealing with the same things as me. Anger, depression. And anxiety. Just like me. But yet I'm able to put those aside to show I care for someone else. Is it because her condition is worse than mine? Is it because it am able to handle it better? I wonder. I don't want to make her mad. I just need more explaination. If only it had a moment to talk to her. Get this out in the open. Even if it meant waiting. Am in wrong for being this pessimistic ? </div>
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I don't want my Angel of The Night to end up actually be the Devils advocate.</div>
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*Jurai Or die*</div>
Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06778623035980221005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-71733646924081911442014-12-14T12:31:00.002-08:002014-12-14T12:31:54.305-08:00Youtube series coming 2015! and more info on Son OF Anarchy!<div style="text-align: center;">
So as you guys may have not known, i officially made Youtube Partner!</div>
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which means starting 2015, i'll be doing a Webseries on my Youtube!</div>
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what will it be about?</div>
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that's up to you guys!</div>
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it will be a Review Series but its up to you guys to ask what you want me to review on, so please check out the video and Let me know in the description below the video! </div>
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also info on my album, and more are also on the page!</div>
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and if you haven't yet, Subscribe now on my youtube page!</div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7Ajv2EP20A">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7Ajv2EP20A</a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9fkzddbNqV9Q2BjcrpNBymrZKXh8RLbgkyhyphenhyphen_Y9QQtvA1BoU-W2SgrQmez9S3mxG3myShBbByhraPUo5Wb-4QxtOCLaDyh7aow7lKfx_gsu7jkVxrLzFvP2pZrk5dYmLdHPSDwpjHR-s/s1600/vlcsnap-2014-12-14-13h13m50s64.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9fkzddbNqV9Q2BjcrpNBymrZKXh8RLbgkyhyphenhyphen_Y9QQtvA1BoU-W2SgrQmez9S3mxG3myShBbByhraPUo5Wb-4QxtOCLaDyh7aow7lKfx_gsu7jkVxrLzFvP2pZrk5dYmLdHPSDwpjHR-s/s1600/vlcsnap-2014-12-14-13h13m50s64.png" height="221" width="320" /></a></div>
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Stay Tuned.. More to Come, Shwight</div>
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*JuraiORDie*</div>
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Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-59719482222384839772014-11-29T20:52:00.000-08:002014-11-29T20:55:35.712-08:00a Message to My Friends of My Rivals.<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_547a9f9764fdc7a88533872" style="background-color: white; display: inline; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l3-19ZR7Ufc/UdaDVmJIhXI/AAAAAAAABI0/TOqnTyRbcvQ/s1600/SAM_0158.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l3-19ZR7Ufc/UdaDVmJIhXI/AAAAAAAABI0/TOqnTyRbcvQ/s1600/SAM_0158.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: white;">i said many times i'm not a perfect man.</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;">but i don't like drama. let alone be the reason for it. </span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;">i'm man enough to squash a rivalry or a hatred with an individual if an invitation is made. i admit it. I've done it before. if a certain person didn't do that dirty to me enough to make me bitter on them i will admit to not speaking ill will on ANYONE who i fell off with. doesn't matter. but DON'T expect me to beg for reconciliation. i will not BOW or Bend my knees to them for the friendship to be rekindled. If i'm done with the bullshit and if we can squash it i'll be man enough to squash it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;">but otherwise i'm not begging. cause I've been humiliated already enough.and i'm man enough to end drama that maybe irrelevant. </span></div>
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<span style="color: white;">so to all my friends who are friends with the people who i fell out of alliances with sees this. tell them. let them know i'm making the move and willing to talk and reason. cause i said before i don't like conflicts.</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;">and i'll be damn if i die tomorrow i don't end the conflicts i have of my own.</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;">*jurai or die*</span></div>
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Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-65803732227728409812014-11-10T09:22:00.000-08:002014-11-10T09:22:25.646-08:00Done with the Fakeness.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2eSIYh3Xgr2sCylM0zs_M7N_dsxIifHkO3WEuv89rk5gq5-Vnlt7Wup4wNtTdEnZYSirXTOomDH12cwX2yCad4RsnFutWDenqedcpTVsmmeGkR5ye4jDEzjhDG0MFSsTUI-SRSKES2tI/s1600/10805816_966038570079343_6718955392886401985_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2eSIYh3Xgr2sCylM0zs_M7N_dsxIifHkO3WEuv89rk5gq5-Vnlt7Wup4wNtTdEnZYSirXTOomDH12cwX2yCad4RsnFutWDenqedcpTVsmmeGkR5ye4jDEzjhDG0MFSsTUI-SRSKES2tI/s1600/10805816_966038570079343_6718955392886401985_n.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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The truth is everyone who says they understands you doesn't understand. they will be no different than the people who hate you. They will eventually leave you and make you feel horrible for it..that's why I regret being social sometimes. because you can be depressed like others, you can have anxiety, you can even have the same mental conditions as someone else, but there will be moments where you sadly have to realize they get tired and annoyed of even YOUR antics. it's happened to me now more than I realize, and it's because of things I've said or things I've done. choices I've made or decisions I've regretted. that's why at the end of the day I will have to face the music and go back to where I started. being antisocial. it was peaceful and yet it was never this much a emotional stress point. I don't even want to consider myself a "family" member of fan bases anymore because everyone else in them are ether judgmental or treat you like shit regardless. I've been a quiet loyal fan without people stabbing me in the back and I should have been that way earlier on. because it's been the fact that no fucking person judged me. It's bad enough the people I still reach out to still have ties to the people who have left me for shit. so fuck this life. It's not even the people who live in this state with me. It's people all over the world who have done this to me. The day I leave this city I start fresh. If you really want to prove you give a shit is the moment you will have to work to prove it. or at least prove it in general. I'm tired of people leaving me because I'm that annoying. you knew this would coming the moment you got to know me. I'm a annoying fuck. always will be. This is what makes me autistic and different. If you can't handle my antics yet you don't want to change on that then get the fuck away from me. you say you want people to accept who you are as is, yet you didn't accept me for who I am. As is. and the moment that happens and you leave me is the moment you're a piece of hypocritical bullshit with everyone else. This is why I will focus on me. No one else. You give a shit about me? shut the fuck up up and prove it with your actions. you know I do if it was on my end.</div>
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I'm Done Ranting. </div>
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Fuck People.</div>
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*~jurai or die~*</div>
Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-82915131614079698622014-08-01T21:38:00.002-07:002014-08-01T21:39:27.646-07:00Pardon My Heart for it's Constant Thoughts..(Poem)<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9ziyg2ekDvTMrhFfw5nHVLajJez2FipQ-DIApNTehYNZge-W34pSRiGhkfnlhqivvpRVw_tv4F0kOxn4UsySLKVzpglY38dD3zestTB_itMxKdT2HWw5_zb0dKIKG6RbiWNmCXUw0IQ/s1600/P2032202.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9ziyg2ekDvTMrhFfw5nHVLajJez2FipQ-DIApNTehYNZge-W34pSRiGhkfnlhqivvpRVw_tv4F0kOxn4UsySLKVzpglY38dD3zestTB_itMxKdT2HWw5_zb0dKIKG6RbiWNmCXUw0IQ/s1600/P2032202.jpg" height="275" width="400" /></a></div>
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It's hard to not think of her everyday.</div>
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to not say in a admiration or a thought of someone who knows your moves and yet knows only so little of you</div>
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when you know what they day in day, time, night, hour, week, or even at work, school, or even vacation.</div>
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obsession isn't what i'm taking action upon, </div>
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interest is what i'm trying to explain.</div>
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she wants attention, yet it seems like it's too much a stretch to know what she's </div>
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dreaming of, what she thinks about.</div>
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you want to text her, yet you can't over do it.</div>
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you don't try to conversate everyday, yet you want to wish her good morning,</div>
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good night, "you're beautiful as you always were everyday i know your existence."</div>
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everyday you know every action you take,</div>
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you have a scenario you want to put her into it.</div>
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woman crush wednesdays don't do justice to how much you want</div>
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people to know of her existence.</div>
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you want to tell people of you heart beats for her everyday.</div>
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you want to make action plans that will include her in the future or even</div>
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the present.</div>
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it's bad enough you wonder who else thinks of her </div>
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the same way.</div>
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you see photos of her with male friends</div>
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one half of you remembers she has more connection with your gender</div>
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the other hates the fact these men have the </div>
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same opportunities as you into capturing her heart.</div>
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you want her to be not some fairy tale,</div>
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not some children's nursery story,</div>
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not some romantic comedy,</div>
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you want realism.</div>
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you want a moment to be with her and she gets mad at you because you overreact</div>
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even when you do something that doesn't pertain to both of you.</div>
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you want a moment when she finds the stupidest thing you do </div>
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enough to make her laugh.</div>
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you want a moment when anything you achieve </div>
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she feels like you deserve in some way and you can tell her," you made this possible for me, because you</div>
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believed in me."</div>
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you want a moment where you can just be fucking happy you get to hold her hand or she grabs your arm. and you walk side to side and not speak a word and </div>
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even have a moment to look at each others eyes.</div>
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no words needed. </div>
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beyond texts.</div>
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beyond a mentions</div>
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beyond the shout out.</div>
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beyond the subliminal messages</div>
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and beyond the snapchats.</div>
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JUST. TO BE. WITH. HER. </div>
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for a woman i am thinking of tonight while listening to this song. </div>
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intimacy included.</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/8zo9VTJUVWc?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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Pardon my Bluntness.</div>
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(poem by me.)</div>
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*jurai or die*</div>
Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06778623035980221005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-65263038658883817492014-07-28T08:41:00.000-07:002014-07-28T08:41:13.553-07:00My Situation.<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlB2kMH-yqMAmFCTyIEDYgAjo4YEvBI3yNYED7TwJz00iJG4DBJN10bgtWGg401mti25VUaHGJh7LQxX0z2yDq3xgV5js1-Y4Oh3-fzR6DIGPmWGfjgYhTPRIMfeqvsoK07gX7tUPyAQ/s1600/IMG_33965728735237.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlB2kMH-yqMAmFCTyIEDYgAjo4YEvBI3yNYED7TwJz00iJG4DBJN10bgtWGg401mti25VUaHGJh7LQxX0z2yDq3xgV5js1-Y4Oh3-fzR6DIGPmWGfjgYhTPRIMfeqvsoK07gX7tUPyAQ/s1600/IMG_33965728735237.jpeg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15.359999656677246px;">I'm sorry to Everyone. For everything. </span></div>
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They are upset of who i changed to be or upset of my loyalty. upset that i am not the friend i used to be during the days i've been upset pushing them away or taking my anger out on them. loving <span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">one or some of them so much it kills me or saying i've betrayed them or even saying i've taken advantage of them. </span></div>
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"To Be Honest", I am The one at Fault because i have hurt people, i have people who have said i've overstepped boundaries, some who have even said i did things of nature that was wrong in general. i don't have to tell you what ive done if you knew it, i don't have to tell you what i've done if you feel confused. i have a hard enough time as it is being me.</div>
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for the past few days i had to go to the hospital because i had a heart attack. now mind you, im not asking for sympathy, because this maybe something i was cursed to have because i did something wrong. </div>
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this maybe something i deserved. </div>
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i've dealt with this situation of character since i was in junior high, and some habits die hard. in one point, im considered an asshole. in another i'm considered a creeper. in one instance i'm considered a emotional drama queen. i'm all of those things in perspective. no lie. some of you don't even talk to me anymore because of those things. i know it, you can deny it, but it's true. i express myself only when i need to because i need to show that in reality i need to not hide anything. </div>
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it's things like this i regret being social. because it seems my silence, is the best advice i need to give myself, because my voice is a curse. my thoughts is a curse. my personality is cursed, unattractive, and pointless.</div>
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*Jurai Or Die*</div>
</span></span>Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06778623035980221005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-52099076548789381292014-06-04T08:15:00.001-07:002014-06-04T08:15:36.542-07:00Fare Thee Well Colossalcon...<div style="text-align: center;">
as my last right mission, i have decided to post this Blog in Video Form .</div>
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In this case, I say this with all my heart.</div>
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watch below... see you in colossalcon.</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="333" mozallowfullscreen="" src="//player.vimeo.com/video/97301278" webkitallowfullscreen="" width="500"></iframe> <br />
*Jurai Or Die*</div>
<a href="http://vimeo.com/97301278"></a>Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-27329987954469564892014-05-16T22:09:00.001-07:002014-11-10T08:53:43.154-08:00I'm Sorry.(no hidden message)<div style="text-align: center;">
I was supposed to post a Birthday Long blog a few days ago. but a few things have happened since then.</div>
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1. got into a rebuttal with my mother that ended up almost getting me kicked off my own property by the police</div>
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2. my mother was almost disagnosed with leukimia.</div>
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3. received another rejection from another woman.</div>
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4. and finally, recently i asked for some honesty about my use of friendships from one of my closer friends.</div>
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her response:</div>
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"<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">To be blunt, you come across as a consided douche, going on about race and religion. I have respect for a properly worded argument, but your way of expressing your side seems whiny and terribly once sided with no open-mindedness what so ever. You give people the impression of not matter what you can't be wrong, or polite to be perfectly honest. Everything revolves around you no matter how trivial, it's always something against you, and how terrible your life is. You make people feel bad for you then take advantage of them in one form or another. I hope you don't mean to do this, because it's ex termly rude and I'm usually good at reading people so that would go against my gut of giving you the benifit of the doubt."</span></div>
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wow.</div>
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whats even more shocking about that, is that she's right.</div>
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i am very hypocritical when it comes to religion, and sadly, it's because of my father, he forced me to convert and admire the religon due to my upbringing. but at the same time, i do make rants about my race and religion.</div>
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race mostly because while i feel no wrong at sometimes of my race, i am ashamed of it.</div>
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everyday in the media and in people younger than me, i see ignorance, fashion, style, the music we listen to, the shows we watch, the slang we come up with, ignorance. only a sliver of intellect i see most of the time in our youth and celebrities, most of the intellect i see is in my peers. my generation. people around my age. and its sad. most of my friends are younger than me, and some are not understanding on that still because they accept today's situation and views. but all in all. i am ashamed at times, and i talk a big talk. (again, another trait from my father.)</div>
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and finally. Sympathy. i could say my disabilty makes me a attention whore when im down or when im super depressed. but it could be any of those things. all i know is i guess i do it too much. and because of that i lose friendships, and even lose relationship opportunities. however the ONLY thing not true is the fact also that apparently i take advantage of people's generosity. if i do, it's not by intent. never by intent. i mean that would make me PRETTY HYPOCRITICAL of that when i hate it myself right?</div>
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anyways, in realization of this. i want you, any friend, former lover, or even fan, who has seen or been a victim of this, i only have one thing to say.</div>
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I'M SORRY.</div>
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i'm truly sorry.</div>
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i never meant to be this way nor did i intended this. this was beyond my own nature and truly not something i wanted to inhabit. and with this i give my deepest apologies.</div>
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i am willing to accept this and take responsibility on what i have done to hurt you or anyone else. it is said that sometimes the first step is to admitting you made a mistake, the second is to know you need to fix it.</div>
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i intend to fix this mistake.</div>
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the fact things have happend to me these past few weeks maybe karma at work for what ive done to people. and with that im accepting my punishment on that, whether it was my loss of a record deal and the fact i lost relationship opportunites and even loss of friends.</div>
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if i offended you or anyway insulted you by accident or in anyway due to my opinion, i apologize for that too.</div>
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if there is any simpler way to make it up to any of you, trust me it's best to tell me and i will do my best to work on it.</div>
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aside from that, i know im not perfect, this is a work in progress. but as long as those who still care support me and my growth, i will be able to make the change need in myself for myself and others.</div>
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this is all i know i need to do.</div>
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aside from this, thank you for the 200 fans on my facebook, and thank you for the birthday wishes if any.</div>
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oh, and here's Yoku Jr. be nice. he says hi.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmSI_jSRt39aLq2Yt3YEp6s16GiUGlAnXuYps0nXmhpeNK1PoZzEw08Y1SD9ZYewGJEPxQLE43EFybdiTo8eO1gOiXqh8Mxs9FRIQQptGHSIroGqiSa0rmmi1WFruwDY7vGuX6L-EhtR0/s1600/Bnm6bA4IQAA_cH0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmSI_jSRt39aLq2Yt3YEp6s16GiUGlAnXuYps0nXmhpeNK1PoZzEw08Y1SD9ZYewGJEPxQLE43EFybdiTo8eO1gOiXqh8Mxs9FRIQQptGHSIroGqiSa0rmmi1WFruwDY7vGuX6L-EhtR0/s1600/Bnm6bA4IQAA_cH0.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></div>
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Later Days. </div>
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*Jurai Or Die*</div>
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<br />Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-17832027940339431032014-04-08T01:41:00.001-07:002014-04-18T05:58:09.466-07:00For the Fragile Hearted and Minded..<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjISd4m_HqBuaRQnu3CBRcJASbMGhuo5dPL1yJKH3ifUGuL4PbgzxMm0ykJL1mvLRGXZ18JWTZO99CuGnEGSL_b2mznralarftpyIGeR4qmROkNj4YT7CrLfPjFHCFO0qVc7fb9yVy8kIk/s1600/10170813_834926439857224_5247951708204761613_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjISd4m_HqBuaRQnu3CBRcJASbMGhuo5dPL1yJKH3ifUGuL4PbgzxMm0ykJL1mvLRGXZ18JWTZO99CuGnEGSL_b2mznralarftpyIGeR4qmROkNj4YT7CrLfPjFHCFO0qVc7fb9yVy8kIk/s1600/10170813_834926439857224_5247951708204761613_n.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
Brace yourselves. this is gonna be a long post. </div>
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over my years being a survivor of mental and emotional suffering, i've noticed i've been able to at least reach out to some people, even minimal in time when it comes to relatable things.</div>
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infliction.</div>
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suicidal.</div>
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defitiences. </div>
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indifference.</div>
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and massive emotional breakdowns.</div>
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the fact im able to talk and still function at times like alot of people i this world should stand as a testament to people who like me were unfourtunate at times.ive known people like myself to not be able to survive, or even be able to function, to the point total shutdown is the last resort. </div>
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today two of my friends are dealing with that factor right now. while i truly care for them, i can't do anything to make them realize they have potential nor tell them that thigns will get better.</div>
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as someone who's heard these things, i can't lie to them that it will get better. cause sometimes it wont.</div>
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think about it. </div>
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honesty, be it brutal, openly, or lightly has become a bigger use in the society today, to a point even celebrites use it. while its not considered a trend, it's becomeing a effection that is being more considered a quality, wheiter it's loyalty or even a relationship.</div>
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if anything i learned to let people who are in a situation to a point they ignore you or not respond due to thier own feelings is to let them deal with their own demons. you can't be a savior to everyone, at the same time, it shouldn't mean you should give up on them. it's only because it's a frustrating moment for them. </div>
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i can't say or do anything to tell them they will be okay, but i will say to them that my unconditional love and support and concern for them will never die. becuase they would do the same for me. </div>
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last year, i cried in a parking lot accross the street in the dead of night on a video because i felt there was nothing left to do. i had run out of options. i felt i was done. no more. ive been where they went. every person who's either dealt with emotional heartbreak, every self inflicted person, every person who's tried committed suciede. who was bullied because they were different. yet i have to force myself to rememeber one thing. </div>
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i am still here. </div>
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i haven't yet left. </div>
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something is telling me stay. to help.</div>
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to tell another person who's dealt with what i dealt with to hold on alittle longer. </div>
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to release their stress and tension,.</div>
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to cry alittle if it helps ease their pain. </div>
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to make hug out your problems.</div>
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to take your anger out on something more useful.</div>
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to do whatever it takes to not harm yourself and feel useless.</div>
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cause we all have been that way in some point in time. </div>
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and i was the one who felt it alot more than people.</div>
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bullied. insulted. told was wierd. creepy, stupid. dumbass,.</div>
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you all (especially my high school peers) have been witness to it all. and yet while i try to either fix my own problems or comfort someone else's, i never forgot where i started.</div>
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and that is the real reason i'm still alive.</div>
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because that little creepy nerd from high school wouldn't have made it. </div>
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but the man who grew from him did.</div>
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and if i can survive this destructive world, </div>
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then by hell the people i love can too.</div>
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*Jurai Or Die*</div>
Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-63898400823711367092014-03-19T01:42:00.003-07:002014-03-19T02:04:37.159-07:00The ANNOUNCEMENT.<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS7Hcy4600HIRpMV845JQjxKujehjdKNrNEsfLAxVocy6bk8HeN10hFz5T2L9NFzYzuiOG3g4bRyWh5uo1gCWfeR2R2r3rGpLMEqByO4HsKsIcYFxK8mJY52vg3TBYCb3M_XjlsRd2GI4/s1600/P2032191.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS7Hcy4600HIRpMV845JQjxKujehjdKNrNEsfLAxVocy6bk8HeN10hFz5T2L9NFzYzuiOG3g4bRyWh5uo1gCWfeR2R2r3rGpLMEqByO4HsKsIcYFxK8mJY52vg3TBYCb3M_XjlsRd2GI4/s1600/P2032191.jpg" height="155" width="400" /></a></div>
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To My RAVERS...</div>
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For the past 10 years my passion of music and my abilities never showed a sign of slowing down, no matter what obsticles came my way, and no matter what i dealt with. i wanted to show people that my music was something that a person like me could accomplish, even when the deal was too great. </div>
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lot of you have been there and seen it all, lost friendships and loves, gain partnerships and support. and through it all i have been blessed to make new music and gained respect from my peers in music. through this hard work i did on my own and with love and support from you all. from "the world according to" to "Delta Nexus" i had to hustle and Work hard to attain attention and even made sacrifices to push my music to the boundaries of success and recognition. and it seems somehow it was either make it or break it.</div>
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Until now.</div>
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as of March 3rd, i am proud to announce that I, Yoku Masaki, have made a lucrative Partnership and Distribution Deal with Gadsen Records. This is what i have been waiting for a long time, and i can now say i will be making bigger moves then i ever could achieve. my first step in order is continued promotion of Delta Nexus, and further on details of my upcoming new EP which will be released very soon. </div>
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for now, i wanted to share this Video, in which i take a trip down Memory Lane and my old home,where i started from in my music, to where i am today. i thank you for those who been with me since day one, and i hope you will stay on the continue ride to my glory.</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/UMm9molil3A" width="560"></iframe>
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THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.</div>
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*jurai or die* - since 1995.</div>
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Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-31636779742380726932014-03-07T13:03:00.001-08:002014-03-07T13:03:24.664-08:00BIG CHANGE IN STORE.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HX07lSOhg6s/UdaDrEkUWMI/AAAAAAAABI8/BRVwT6JsgZY/s1600/SAM_0152.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HX07lSOhg6s/UdaDrEkUWMI/AAAAAAAABI8/BRVwT6JsgZY/s1600/SAM_0152.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
As you might have heard. I fell the need to MAKE this post here, on the blog that started it all for me.<br />
for the past few years I've been a one man promotional army, making music and promoting myself to the point my potential has been overlooked and or has briefly been seen. I've released over 20 different projects, from beat-tapes and instrumentals to three albums.<br />
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I've also dealt with so much over the past 6 years i have released music, lost and gain things, people, and potential. but now i feel that this turning point for me has become a blessing.<br />
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as you may have paid attention, i had a conference call, my first one earlier last week, and i can honestly say this is my biggest announcement to ever been released.<br />
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stay tuned.<br />
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*Jurai or Die*Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-15773751449862285142014-02-11T13:23:00.001-08:002014-02-11T13:23:11.789-08:00See You Space Cowboy...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX2blbelip5moyT9CyXfYrGEHanFUxRz7tUvg-UMwY0NO63aU8bkJ45QmI_PS9gwAJ_0AUTIvruJKm0o1pW-6eh5RCeCv-mIn-tMD7EOKnvfV_6kdnMQf1T8b_APpUB7UZoxybkAhAvA/s1600/P2092321.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX2blbelip5moyT9CyXfYrGEHanFUxRz7tUvg-UMwY0NO63aU8bkJ45QmI_PS9gwAJ_0AUTIvruJKm0o1pW-6eh5RCeCv-mIn-tMD7EOKnvfV_6kdnMQf1T8b_APpUB7UZoxybkAhAvA/s1600/P2092321.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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Many of you know on February 14th i declared myself bias on Valentines day due to personal reasons.</div>
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since i know a splorish of Valentine's Day posts will be all over the net, i wanted to take some time offline to focus on other things.</div>
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plus i've been dealing with alot of personal reasons that's kept me unfocused for the past few days, and i felt maybe i needed to take a break, </div>
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then lo and behold, i read a post from my friend musician Kieran Strange. </div>
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go to <a href="http://www.kieranstrange.com/">www.kieranstrange.com</a> to see it.</div>
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after reading the post, i cried, never have i known someone else who dealt with the same issues i have from a artists standpoint.</div>
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to Miss Kieran, this is for you, </div>
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<i>I wanted to write this on your page due to the fact i maybe on hiatus because of related issues myself as i realized. i want to thank you for your post on you website. words cannot express how much i almost cried after reading it, because it was accurately scary to what i've been dealing with partly for the past few days without no one's knowing half of the story. it's things like that you posted i swear im so glad i know you, and how much i truly support what you do. you are such an inspiring person and i can't thank you enough for being strong enough for doing what you did. I truly never thought someone like you can resonate on the same level as i am. i have had anxiety and Depression for the past 15 and on years, and it's taken a toll many times on my music and my life. to the point even i get lovesick. it was hard enough for me to write music and focus on even making my album let alone work on my other skills. you've been literally one of the most outspoken who knows my situation mentally and i can't thank you enough for speaking your mind for people like me. i hope you know i will always support you because of this and know i hope to meet you one day. also know if you ever want to talk outside the interwebs, im always here. for you have more than just a fan, you have a friend in me. sincerely, Yoku. xoxo</i></div>
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hopefully i'll be back later next week with more news of my music and new stuff for this 2014 and whatnot, also planning more with my photography and such, but go to my website and you'll know the story. (<a href="http://www.yokumasaki.com/">www.yokumasaki.com</a>)</div>
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til then i'll be back.</div>
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love you all who still give a shit about me. <3</div>
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i mean that. i do love you.</div>
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-Yoku</div>
<br />Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06778623035980221005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-14596436192618485832013-12-31T09:23:00.003-08:002013-12-31T09:23:53.292-08:00Fuck a Resolution.<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"></span><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgwpxD1v8tkXZP0rDv2On26TY5oNXcH6JvBjUd_kyPTG7oS7DFsw673HYLqq69FjAGHH60X1c60aEPzLRp9IDx9FygR9Shi9Mj76Vtt42M5pSWI9g2AhU4kVEWkJ92JR08nmXQ0R1FPVM/s1600/976+x+324.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgwpxD1v8tkXZP0rDv2On26TY5oNXcH6JvBjUd_kyPTG7oS7DFsw673HYLqq69FjAGHH60X1c60aEPzLRp9IDx9FygR9Shi9Mj76Vtt42M5pSWI9g2AhU4kVEWkJ92JR08nmXQ0R1FPVM/s1600/976+x+324.png" height="211" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">I'm secure now in my life to actually say these words:<br /> "I don't give a shit."<br /> i don't have to work my ass pff to get attention and or affection anymore knowing i survived another year of Bullshit.<br /> it won't make a difference. <br />
some of you i managed to gain more respect as i feel accomplished on
completing my music, and you maybe rewarded on that in the long running
plans i have for next year.<br /> some<span class="text_exposed_show"> of you decided to cut losses of me while your still on my friends list. <br /> why?<br />
why for the sake would you even consider being around me when you have
no respect nor have no appreciation for me? just to be nosy? <br /> <a class="_58cn" data-ft="{"tn":"*N","type":104}" href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/fohwtbs">#FOHWTBS</a>.<br /> on everything. if you're done with me, you're done with me. simple as that. your "silent treatments" are through. <br />
I'm through wasting time and money and sympathy to some of you who feel
im a piece of shit of an existence yet im still on your social media
friends list.<br /> I'm only focused on those who keep a relevance to talk to me for now on.<br /> i realize this social world is not important anymore.<br /> and sometimes i may need to remind myself that it isn't still.<br /> i just finished a accomplishment this year i didn't think i would finish this year.<br />
and despite emotion and a medical condition, i stayed on the same path
to finish it. (for those who didn't even know what im talking about,
read my last post before this one to catch up.)<br /> you can not say a man of my damaged mental capability has not achieved this task before. <br /> i can actually say i have made three projects with a mental condition.<br /> yes im sure there are people who are far worse than me on this earth, but they aren't me. there's the difference.<br />
and while some of you ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT that i have accomplished
this objective, those are the one's I'm making sure stick around.<br />
the rest of you who are still on here in social media world, feeling the
need to not speak to me at all even outside of the music, who USED to
be close to me but changed because i did ONE mistake or so, who feel I'm
not worthy of a friend, take a moment to think about what i did in
generosity before you judged me.<br /> before you made assumption that i
had done good things for something. compare that to maybe the people in
this world who did worse to you than what i did.<br /> aside from that, if
you don't think im a friend, you can go ahead and erase me from you
existence. cause i guarantee I'll be doing the same to you.<br /> no more bullshit is all im asking for 2014.<br /> <br /> Masaki Out.</span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="text_exposed_show">*Jurai or Die* </span></span></div>
Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-59284392859315928802013-11-29T23:40:00.000-08:002013-11-30T00:12:36.282-08:00Half Lost Potential.<div style="text-align: center;">
So it seems i have been misinterpreted when i talk to women.</div>
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i have very beautiful female friends. i am not even gonna sugar coat the shit, but in reality, only a few i was interested in til it came dwindling down later on throughout last year.</div>
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most times i mention certain women becuase i know they feel inadequate, insecure, and sometimes not important. in reality this has backfired on me because it seems like im interested in EVERY girl im like this to. and i don't realize that. </div>
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i'm sorry for that. really i am. but in reality there was only one woman who i was really interested in. and tonight i confessed to her.</div>
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and she doesn't believe me. </div>
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why? because it seems like every woman i talk to online makes the conversations look like im trying to talk to them in a datable way. and that's wrong of me to do that.</div>
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it's true, i do playflirt alittle like most people, but in reality it seems she was the one i should have focused on. </div>
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and now she's doubts me. </div>
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this was my wake up call.</div>
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well, maybe it's time i stop being the nice guy to every female.</div>
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maybe i should no longer focus on every female im friends with.</div>
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the one i like alot doesn't even LIVE in the U.S.</div>
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yeah, again with another distance crush.</div>
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but in all honesty, i've kept this one a secret because i don't want anyone to take her but me.</div>
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she's not possession, but she should only see me as potential.</div>
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if you are reading this my dear,</div>
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know this is proof that i want to only talk to you.<br>it is not an act of despiration or an act of non confidence.it is an act of confession. if you want to let me make you happy say the magic words. <br>cause im waiting. <br><br><br>*jurai or die*<br></div>
Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4806625222982649867.post-5659865284359508182013-10-31T14:58:00.001-07:002013-10-31T14:58:58.788-07:00Me. in a Nutshell. Empathize on the "Nut"i'm pretty sure all of you know now that i have not only Bipolar and Autism, but also sever cases of Schizophrenia. along with bits of OCD, which is why order is kinda a thing for me. the thing is, i don't know if you some will either accept my moods or actions during my attacks or episodes because of this or not.<br />
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i won't lie, i am a hardcase of a friend, boyfriend, or even relative. there are moments when i feel like nothing can stop me, and in a drop of a dime by one thing i say or do, i end up either feeling like crap, or i feel like i want to punch someone in the face.<br />
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i went to see my therapist today and told her about my actions from two days ago, she told me it's a stage from my autism that makes me have these moods, in which i try to reach out to someone without realizing some people in this society are mostly busy, and it's not being one of ignoring me, but one of being too busy with priorites to be able to show compassion for me when i feel i need it.<br />
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she told me my condition makes me have this visage as if everyone is free to be able to reach out to me and show their sympathies, and that i sometimes feel like i'm expecting someone who is considerate of my friendship to drop everything they are doing to see me, as if it's true, when at times i need to realize the reality of the situation and i need to slow my emotions down in ways of calmness.<br />
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i have a different degree of autism unlike some people who have it like myself. while some have heavier stages in which they can not even function a normal life, there are some who can function where they don't show any signs of a condition at all. think of it like the difference between Radio, and Howard Hughes in his early years. i feel im in the middle ground. i can function, and know some typical things like common people, but at times i am oblivious to my surroundings or people's actions because i show too much emotion that makes me feel selfish. and sometimes i end up either realizing i hurt people's feelings, or i find out by losing their friendship all together. and it's one of the many reasons why my comfort zone is being anti social. not because i don't end up not hurt, but i don't hurt people's feelings with my language when in REALITY, i am not intending to.<br />
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my other problem is my anger. at times when i get depressed, i tend to trigger my anger, which is like my safety mechanism. whenever i get depressed, i tend to lash out and rage at people or things. it's common of me to be that way due to my socializing with the wrong people when i was younger. i was a lemming. a follower. and everyone who abused my friendship i was angry with. one day my brother told me he became friends with a man who bullied me when i was in high school, he wanted to talk to me and i refused. why? because i became a better person without him. it wasn't because i was even still mad at him for the bulling he did to me years ago. it's because why should i accept his friendship when i was fine without it? call it a grudge if you want, but it's something i have a strong defense in. its because of his type of people is why i have bad trust issues in friends. and when i deal with rejection of women, that also triggers my depression and anger. it's mostly the reason why my rants at times goes on here. (yes, the one we all know about is partly due to a trigger)<br />
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my rants sometimes are mostly because of my triggers, my video rants are as well, so anytime you may have read or watched a rat from me about why women treat me like shit or guys like me like shit, it's mostly due to a trigger of my depression and anger reaction to a rejection. its not healthy, i know, but it's what's happened to me for years.<br />
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one friend i upset the most told me this week that i obviously don't realize i hurt people's feelings when i say things like i did that night when i mentioned i don't have friends. it was taken out of context. and i didn't realize it til i said it. i have somewhat a "Blind Rage" whereas i don't see the consequences til AFTER i do them. right now my friend is still mad at me im sure, unless she's busy and just not saying anything in regards to that day. (also, when i apologize more then once, to a point of annoyance by the way, Take that as a serious Apology, it's part of my condition as well. i tend to be seriously apologetic repetitively. i know it's annoying but it's real.)<br />
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The reasons i'm writing this is because either some of you either still don't get why i act the way i do beyond this condition, or some you didn't even know. there is one thing i CAN say despite all this. i have been Honest since you knew me. i haven't hidden anything, sometimes i'm too open with my honesty. and it backfires on me. but you know what? i at least have nothing to hide. i've told most of you everything you know about me. no rumors, no gossip, no lies. (unless if i did lie on anything, let me know and i'll tell you the truth.. )<br />
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right now, on this Halloween Night, i am writing this because i feel like the monster is who i really am. no mask, no costume, just me and my naked face. and that's the scariest thing about me even i fear. the fear of my honesty.<br />
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if you are one of the few i have annoyed, hurt, or ignored, take this in consideration and Accept my apologies. i truly don't mean to offend, or disrespect intentionally without thought.<br />
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if you are one who still understands my situation and still supports, or considers my friendship and loyalty true, then i thank you for giving me acceptance in your life beyond my imperfections of myself. and know i may not say it at times, but i TRULY appreciate our friendship more than you know.<br />
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If you are still unsure about your place in my life because of my actions, please know this: i cannot say it won't happen again, but it will be fixed in time to the point it may never happen again, i am not saying to endure, but to understand my situation. for this condition of mine is a social double edged sword, and not only i feel horrible for hurting you, but hurting myself in doing these actions.<br />
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My mind is like a broken china plate shattered in million pieces. and i only have HALF the plate glued back together. give me time to finish what i started. in time the pieces wont fit, but they will be put together again.<br />
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*Jurai or Die*Yoku Masakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03685143659254358386noreply@blogger.com0