Thursday, March 7, 2013

its me being stupid again.


i feel the need to explain things:
i am a man, yes, and yet i hate that sometimes my instincts get in the way, sometimes i hate that im not good communicating in how i feel about someone. when one moment i am sincere, and the next i sound like a douche when i wasn't trying to be. i guess it's cause of that reason i end up single. i feel like steve carell in the 40 year old virgin at times. cause i respect women so much i shouldn't be with one, cause no matter what i do i end up saying or doing something stupid. and then it builds up more to a woman to make me sound like i'm making excuses.
my father's side of the family has a history of bad relationships. they end up hurt, or worse stupid. I've told my mother time and time again i would be next, because i keep ending up doing stupid things. i'm not manipulative, that's sick of me to even do that, and whats worse is it gets worse til i end up being forced out of the relationship.
maybe that's why i lost the last two. maybe im just fooling myself that im not who i am. maybe im fooling myself to even deserving love. it feels like it, cause right now i know no matter what i say non intentionally it sounds stupid. i never felt i was that smart, otherwise i would consider myself perfect. i am a learner. i do learn. it just takes slow time. i don't think i'll ever be a deserving guy. sometimes i feel this way cause of my dumb actions.

i guess i'll stop talking now since im sure you all thinking im being either annoying, making excuses or sounding repetitive, or just that you will ignore this all together, it's not like anyone cares. at least i know i wont be sleeping tonight.


not asking for sympathy anyways, just understanding who i am.


*jurai or die*

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