Thursday, October 31, 2013

Me. in a Nutshell. Empathize on the "Nut"

i'm pretty sure all of you know now that i have not only Bipolar and Autism, but also sever cases of Schizophrenia. along with bits of OCD, which is why order is kinda a thing for me. the thing is, i don't know if you some will either accept my moods or actions during my attacks or episodes because of this or not.

i won't lie, i am a hardcase of a friend, boyfriend, or even relative. there are moments when i feel like nothing can stop me, and in a drop of a dime by one thing i say or do, i end up either feeling like crap, or i feel like i want to punch someone in the face.

i went to see my therapist today and told her about my actions from two days  ago, she told me it's a stage from my autism that makes me have these moods, in which i try to reach out to someone without realizing some people in this society are mostly busy, and it's not being one of ignoring me, but one of being too busy with priorites to be able to show compassion for me when i feel i need it.

she told me my condition makes me have this visage as if everyone is free to be able to reach out to me and show their sympathies, and that i sometimes feel like i'm expecting someone who is considerate of my friendship to drop everything they are doing to see me, as if it's true, when at times i need to realize the reality of the situation and i need to slow my emotions down in ways of calmness.

i have a different degree of autism unlike some people who have it like myself. while some have heavier stages in which they can not even function a normal life, there are some who can function where they don't show any signs of a condition at all. think of it like the difference between Radio, and Howard Hughes in his early years. i feel im in the middle ground. i can function, and know some typical things like common people, but at times i am oblivious to my surroundings or people's actions because i show too much emotion that makes me feel selfish. and sometimes i end up either realizing i hurt people's feelings, or i find out by losing their friendship all together. and it's one of the many reasons why my comfort zone is being anti social. not because i don't end up not hurt, but i don't hurt people's feelings with my language when in REALITY, i am not intending to.

my other problem is my anger. at times when i get depressed, i tend to trigger my anger, which is like my safety mechanism. whenever i get depressed, i tend to lash out and rage at people or things. it's common of me to be that way due to my socializing with the wrong people when i was younger. i was a lemming. a follower. and everyone who abused my friendship i was angry with. one day my brother told me he became friends with a man who bullied me when i was in high school, he wanted to talk to me and i refused. why? because i became a better person without him. it wasn't because i was even still mad at him for the bulling he did to me years ago. it's because why should i accept his friendship when i was fine without it? call it a grudge if you want, but it's something i have a strong defense in. its because of his type of people is why i have bad trust issues in friends. and when i deal with rejection of women, that also triggers my depression and anger. it's mostly the reason why my rants at times goes on here. (yes, the one we all know about is partly due to a trigger)

my rants sometimes are mostly because of my triggers, my video rants are as well, so anytime you may have read or watched a rat from me about why women treat me like shit or guys like me like shit, it's mostly due to a trigger of my depression and anger reaction to a rejection. its not healthy, i know, but it's what's happened to me for years.

one friend i upset the most told me this week that i obviously don't realize i hurt people's feelings when i say things like i did that night when i mentioned i don't have friends. it was taken out of context. and i didn't realize it til i said it. i have somewhat a "Blind Rage" whereas i don't see the consequences til AFTER i do them. right now my friend is still mad at me im sure, unless she's busy and just not saying anything in regards to that day. (also, when i apologize more then once, to a point of annoyance by the way, Take that as a serious Apology, it's part of my condition as well. i tend to be seriously apologetic repetitively. i know it's annoying but it's real.)

The reasons i'm writing this is because either some of you either still don't get why i act the way i do beyond this condition, or some you didn't even know. there is one thing i CAN say despite all this. i have been Honest since you knew me. i haven't hidden anything, sometimes i'm too open with my honesty. and it backfires on me. but you know what? i at least have nothing to hide. i've told most of you everything you know about me. no rumors, no gossip, no lies. (unless if i did lie on anything, let me know and i'll tell you the truth.. )

right now, on this Halloween Night, i am writing this because i feel like the monster is who i really am. no mask, no costume, just me and my naked face. and that's the scariest thing about me even i fear. the fear of my honesty.

if you are one of the few i have annoyed, hurt, or ignored, take this in consideration and Accept my apologies. i truly don't mean to offend, or disrespect intentionally without thought.

if you are one who still understands my situation and still supports, or considers my friendship and loyalty true, then i thank you for giving me acceptance in your life beyond my imperfections of myself. and know i may not say it at times, but i TRULY appreciate our friendship more than you know.

If you are still unsure about your place in my life because of my actions, please know this: i cannot say it won't happen again, but it will be fixed in time to the point it may never happen again, i am not saying to endure, but to understand my situation. for this condition of mine is a social double edged sword, and not only i feel horrible for hurting you, but hurting myself in doing these actions.

My mind is like a broken china plate shattered in million pieces. and i only have HALF the plate glued back together. give me time to finish what i started. in time the pieces wont fit, but they will be put together again.


*Jurai or Die*

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Music Doesn't always help my feelings.

i'm not like other musicians when it comes to always Expressing my feelings in music.
i still need to be in a Zone, moment or even a certain feel to even be able to write and record.

i can't always take my feelings out in my music. 

whether im happy, sad, lonely, heartbroken, or even angry.

sometimes my feelings or condition is too much for me to even begin writing. in fact if the mood makes things worse, i get writer's block and i can't even vent. 


it has happen many times, i get people telling me "just vent on your music" or "take your feelings out in your music" or even, "focus on your music to take your mind off it."


THAT DOESN'T WORK WITH ME ALL THE TIME.


I'm different from that mold. you can't tell me to do that when i am in a point of emotion that clouds me from doing my work. unless you have been in my position, you can't understand.


so the next time someone you tell me to focus my feelings in my music when im in a mental breakdown and i'm too frustrated to work, i'm just gonna ignore you period. cause you don't know me that well to know how i'm thinking or feeling.

Followers