Saturday, October 21, 2017

Another Year of Heartbreak. (and Anger)

Have you ever gotten the same advice from people over and over again, and even when you take it and it doesnt work you end up getting the same advice still over and over?
thats enough to make you mad, Yes?
lash out even?
that was me yesterday.
i got angry at some of my friends who gave me the same spoon fed advice after i have had weeks of depression dealing with being single again for 7 years. 
and whats worse is that mostly
i'm tired of people giving me the same cookie cutter advice on dating.

"Pleanty of Fish in the sea"
"Wait for the moment, youre time will come"
"go to a bar"
"go to a Con"
"Go to a Dating site"
"try a Dating app (i.e. Tinder)"
"She has't seen you yet."
"go to a concert"
"Change who you are and maybe she will come to you"
"Focus on yourself"

it's enough to make me mad all the time. the moment i hear those words from any of these it pisses me off.
 they tell me The same answers after i say this usually...

"I understand that but it's the truth. I know it's irritating and you're tired of hearing it but you do need to love yourself, Raijphinai"

But for how long? HOW LONG? i love myself so much i don't feel it's fair to love myself when someone else deserves it as muchas i do myself!
it's just i've done all these things. especially loving myself. im running out of metaphorical cups to pour my love overflowing in, because i have to keep doing it and it's getting to be too much.
it's just i've done all these things. especially loving myself.

i just want a friend who is willing to be spontaneus on helping me in anything New.
im not asking anyone to MAKE me a Girlfriend, but at least help me in a new way to get a woman's attention. Hell, i even played the "be an assertive asshole" card.

I had an arguement with two friends because they were more upset with me on the fact I was Being Rude and Angry in defense to them when they were being friends with me and that i had no right to act that way, more or less. and yet they don't notice that im HURT. i'm SAD. i'm ALONE. to the point if i hear the same old dribble im going to be upset. 

i wouldn't be mad or rude to people if people didn't give me the same advice.
and don't forget optimism. 

yes. im alive. 
im less hurt from being in a relationship.
women are evil or jerks sometimes
you doging a bullet.
it's better than being single.
and finally, the one i hate the most...

"well at least you have your success in Photography"

what the FUCK does that have to do with relationships? i would love to have a girlfriend who supported my work and be my vessel in my work. that would be 10x better than hiring any plain Jane model.

I mean i once stated that i'm willing to help a woman see the beauty in herself that my career could evolve her into a model for all i know cause of my success. that i would shoot with her day or night. that i would take her all around the world with me. I have so many dreams it's rediculous.

i know my autism and depression and Anxiety can't be an excuse either, but GODDAMN i'm just so sick of those same cards being dealt with me.

I'm tired of the fact no matter how much i love and change myself i don't get noticed, even when im not asking for it.

i don't want someone to MAKE me a girlfriend either, like for god's sake it's rediculous to ask that.

not asking for sympathy either. 
but i am asking for better advice. or something more spontaneus. 
something random that i can take to the next level. and that maybe it can work out for me. 

*Jurai or Die*

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Problems with My Mental Health: It's Been a While. But I'm Not Okay.

Had a Moment of breakdown today. Ended up Livestreaming the moment Since it reached a breaking point of Aggression and Pain. But enough is Enough. I've Upset My Best friend, to the point she is Keeping her distance from me, not to mention she is Dealing with Heartbreak herself from a breakup. And it feels like People are either assuming im asking for attention, or Im making this up. Ive cried so many nights i felt so much pain letting things go. 



Received Words of Encouragement from a Friend/Model who admires my work and Even Worked with me Once. 

"Yesterday is over. 
Learn from the lessons you came across but do not live in the negative moments on which you stumbled over. Always reflect but don't stay there or you will miss the amazing present in front of you.
Today is here. 
What a beautiful gift indeed! A chance to grow and stay positive. Do not focus on the what ifs, could haves or should haves. Shine bright to light up hope for someone who may be alone crawling in the dark. Stay positive! You made it here! Look at you kicking ass and surviving! You have overcome so much already, DO NOT cut yourself down for being a fighter because you are a champion! Life is trying to talk to you. Listen.
Tomorrow is waiting for you.
Be excited because no matter what happens in the current moment, you can try again. Grab all the opportunities it has to offer because it is a new, undamaged, clean page which to write anything you want. The beautiful things you can write are endless! Keep your mind open more and your soul free!
You've got this!! 💜 I'm only a message away and I'm not the only one. We all love you Rai! Keep your head up so you can see. Don't walk with your head down anymore! Your feet will carry you without you staring down at them. Life, opportunity and happiness are front of you, not below you. Your friends and family walk beside you, not below you. Your missing the view staring at the past. Chin up! Shoulders back! Today is the first day of forever!!
Kristin Arlee"

(photo of Model/Friend mentioned, Photo taken By me)

I have to start implanting in my mind about the Fact i need to be more understanding of the deal in which i have to not feel upset with myself in carrying such burden, like the second video states, I'm not wrong for Being Hurt in overflowing, but I need to make sure my mind and soul stay more free, even if it means worrying about myself more than others at times. it's hard for me to be selfish even a little, because at one point in my life, i was TOO selfish. and i Promised myself i wouldn't go back to that again. i only hope i don't.
and as for my close friend? I Love her, and I only Hope her ordeal is healed and we can be back together like old times. 
but the wait is painful enough. and I have to still be patient, whether I like it or not.. 

*Jurai Or....*

Thursday, June 9, 2016

More miscommunication. or Maybe im insane.

Every-time i try to do something not intended to be negative it ends being exactly that. and i hate being someone asking for notice on that but it always seems lie im begging for attention. when in reality thats not what i want to be, this is why being depressed and in physical pain to myself seems the route to go at times. because i don't have any solution. nothing else usually helps and therapy only does so much. you look at me as if im being this "Woe is Me"type of characteristic. im not trying to be that at all. im more like "give me something to stop me feeling this way" so that i don't make you feel like you're walking on eggshells. 

i feel like i'm more of a psycho. because no one understands me and they interpret my mental state as either insane or stupid. 

see that picture on this post? i've been referred to this character for years. YEARS. it hurtful, it's Sad, It's Depressing and yet i have felt this was a mark on me for years. 
i still get bullied of being similar to this character. whats worse is sometimes the people who once called me friends have done this to me even my relationship issues have been destroyed because of my insulted affiliated. 
this is why i will forever speak out of my disability. because no one has to go through this travesty. 

i was not sent here to be treated this way. because of who i am. 
it's not okay. 
and i feel like everyone feels it is when it's not. it's never okay.

*Jurai Or....*

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Problems with My Mental Health: Miscomunnication

One of my troubles is the fact when i write something its hard to tell what or how i am addressing it to people without body language. if i said something That's a compliment, my written comment would be mistaken as a insult. becasue of either the choice of words i write it out as or the way it was addressed written. its my hardest issue since growing up and being less social. for example, recently i told a model her work was well done since she had started to shoot her own photos just by using a old phone camera, i addressed to her in writing, that for someone to be using an old camera phone to take very well done pictures, she was very talented, and that perhaps when she has a DSLR she can take even more well photos.
unfortunately she took it as an insult. I  hate when times like these it's hard for me to address compliments, confessions, and sometimes attraction or even jokes, when it seems like the words i choose are not in a right order to be taken either positive or good in general when im trying to be. it's sad because most times i used to be negative and the worse thing is because i am in my emotions alot it makes me sad heavy when people start being angry with me when it happens. its as if i was told i am the "Worst friend ever" to my face and i can't stop hearing it.
I've even dealt with relationship opportunities being damaged because of this situation. i once told a girl who liked me about something that ended up to her sounded insulting when it wasn't, and because of that she stuck me back in the rejection area.
it's sad that when i try to say something logical, it comes out as insulting. when i make a compliment, it comes out negative. when i try to be positive in words, it turns out to sound like hate. 
please try to understand it wasn't my intent if you make that assumption. but also please ask me if anything what i mean. becauae when you think i am bein anything negative, im really not.
other wise i will definatly be silent as i once were years ago.

*Jurai Or Die*

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Problems with My Mental Health : sense of less intuition.

 I don't realize when is a time and place to realize curiosity is a not a bad thing and details are not always ment to be seen and heard. It's bad I don't realize when I have to take a step back and realize it's not my business to know the details on someone's personal or private moments or plans. I tend to not realize I overstep boundaries til it happens afterwards. I hate when it ruins my friendships or it tends to give the people who care about me a sense of uncomfort. I did it recently when I asked a friend about her plans for doing shoots and she was multitasking things on planning things out for video and photography and promotions and what have you.  I kept asking questions to know more detail til I didn't realized I was overdoing it and the close friend of mine felt upset at the outcome and was mad at me. I hate it. I wish I never had this feeling sometimes cause its probably why I deal with this shit on a daily basis. She had every right to be upset. I do this a lot and it's one of my habits. 
There are times I don't realize my curiosity needs to be limited, that it's okay to not know. But sadly I don't have the logic to comprehend it. Sometimes when I get requests from someone to get something or do a favor, it feels like I'm missing information, til it goes to the point I am lost, such as something simple like a bottle of soda, or a combination of a order at a fast food restaurant. I hate it sounds like I'm being a smart ass. But I'm really not. I'm just needin more detail to understand the situation.  To get a better glimpse of what I need to do. It works easier in restaurants because it's part of the job to the perfection, but it's annoying to the public and with friends because I have to ask otherwise it will confused the hell out of me. I don't like it. Never did. But it's something I did all my life til I got older. 
Please if youve ever been a witness to this, let me know and pull me back into reality to get me to stop. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel uncomfortable in this sense. And to my friends who I annoy with this, I'm sorry. It's something I need to gradually learn. 

*Jurai Or Die*

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Creating art with a Dangerous Mind.

Went to get my transit pass today cause i can't drive still due to the anxiety.
this month i get older, but i did break one silence this year, I've old a close friend why i cant drive. if anything my anxiety was not always expressive but now i felt comfortable to express that to someone as to why i cant drive.
I've always felt the simple things i don't have are why I'm by myself and single for the last 5 to 6 years, the money, the car, the home, the way I'm dress, the way i speak. the way i look. my weight, my bald head, my facial hair. my bad habits in talking too much, or coming on too strong when talking to a woman. sometimes its confusing. i get anxiety from talking to people, even women. some i was lucky to gain attention due to my art skills or mutual friends. but if anything its because of that alone is why i was able to break ground with them. i look amongst me and i see women who break up with people ore get dumped, saying they will stay single forever, and then contradict themselves when a man their physically attracted to talks to them. i have one friend who literally ends up sleeping with a guy before she even gets to know them. like how does that happen? i don't hate her, its just sad i see that happen. sometimes i feel like maybe its a curse having too many women as friends then men. i felt that if anything growing up with women being more dominant in the bloodline was the reason why I'm easily able to communicate with women after i am able to break ground. but at the same time, I've tried to have a shot with no avail, i tried asking a close friends of women i like asking advice what i should do, and still doesn't help. and then seeing so many other things on an on and on. its sad a close friend of mine who shows no interest in me is willing to take me to celebrate my birthday and she doesn't have to. honestly i feel bad about it when i think about it. time to time some women i cant even shoot or regret shooting because as a rule as a photographer, you're "not to put your emotions in your work or work field". and yet its hard because my emotions makes the work i produce better. that's like saying, don't use your imagination to write a story, use you're intellect instead. if anything this year makes me feel like its another year of me being single and alone.
today marks the third week ive been depressed in years. ive never thought i dealt with this issue for so long. and if anything i feel sick. i had to hide some of it sunday when i was being productive because i had to be professional. only because sometimes i can not be a sour puss when working for models. they dont care about my heart, they care about my work. (well a few care about me in some cases but not heart wise much) its tragic i can make the most well made photography, and yet i have to sleep off this depression yet end up waking up with the depression. i can make art to make me think, "i have the greatest job in the world" and yet go home saying ," i want to end my life" every hour. how is that possible? how is it i can make this craft and yet still feel miserable? is it my passion:? ignorance? i dont understand. if anything it is rediculous. some people would tell me to either stop working or not persue this but i do love it too much, to the point in mu success i ask for one thing: to have a special woman by my side be proud of what i do, let people know that a man she gives her heart to makes the art he loves. and that he loves life, loves art, and loves her. not sex. not bragging rights, not even lewd reasons. if anything i see sex more reasons why i noticed relatioships on my friends list at times. and sometimes it makes me confused. if i talk sex, im considered a "Dog" or a "pervert" but if i talk about love and passion, im considered some"gay black guy talking out of his ass" or worse. to the left of me assertiveness, to the right chivalry. its like neither can go together, thug and an gentleman. GEMINI. 

i feel like this year and this lonely heart needs to change and fast. if anything for my mom's sake to know she can rest happy knowing im loved by a woman who loves me for me. and loves me and gave me a chance to love her back. 
but again im probably writing another excuse to why im single still for another 6th year.
venting or maybe just frustrated and yet feeling too deep and alone.
i dunno. maybe i'll never get out of this rotting hole of depression.
especially since i can't get alot of help or wont get the love i desire.
you be the judge.

*jurai Or Die*

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Vision of loss.

Lost a Close friend of 5 years this week because slowly she was not seeing my vision and not giving it the respect it deserves. at the same time made me lose another friend who had potential in helping me with my future career. 

sometimes its hard to lose track of what your passionate for and what youre loving. because all you want is support. but it means nothing without love. you can always respect and feel that someone cares for you or what youre drive is, but it's nothing without love. i can't love sometimes friends because my love is a different meaning. it doesn't mean i don't care. i need to save the love for myself. for everytime someone says i "Should love Myself first" i put my love for them off after my own love.
a close friend of mine actually reccomended me try an app tonight called "Happify" in which helps your stress and emotion with a series of games, its very resourceful in information, i'm hoping down the line it helps me mentally and emotionally. 

since i've moved back to Ohio it seems things gotten more barren for me. and the people i once connected with in Arizona have started to distance me. one of my close friends has gone on to push me out now because i didn't accept her having a new relationship yet she was very open in showing her heart for me when she was single. another has gone and erased me afterwards due to the fact that i apparently am that toxic because of my doucheness at times as my sign of humor. it's really fucked up sometimes. and yet i came this way because of how i was treated. not to mention how people felt i needed to be. 
i did know some people i unfortunatly can't talk with at times but i know they care. most from ohio. only two to three in Arizona i know are so busy in thier lives i can't have them come to me because of what i deal with because my life isn't important. but i hate times when i have to constanly message them. one in particluar is a gal i worked with in arizona who blogs like me in time to time for the sake of getting things out of the open. her stuff is really good. in some levels she can relate to me and we even worked together on a shoot that reflects our emotions. i feel like sometimes when i read her stuff. i care. i actually see alot of myself in her. yet we have gone through different scenarios and situations, the emotions are the same. she has an advantage but somehow i see myself in her. and i guess its why she means alot to me. even as a friend sometimes. i feel that it's really important what she talks about. yet i wish i could tel others why she does and feels these feelings the way she does. it's powerful her words are. and yet the dark makes her the most beautiful thing ive seen. from at least my perspective. 

Here's my favorite picture of her shot by me. and please check out her blog to see what i mean. tell her shes beautiful and her words are as well.

 Her Blog:

*Jurai Or Die*