Thursday, June 9, 2016

More miscommunication. or Maybe im insane.

Every-time i try to do something not intended to be negative it ends being exactly that. and i hate being someone asking for notice on that but it always seems lie im begging for attention. when in reality thats not what i want to be, this is why being depressed and in physical pain to myself seems the route to go at times. because i don't have any solution. nothing else usually helps and therapy only does so much. you look at me as if im being this "Woe is Me"type of characteristic. im not trying to be that at all. im more like "give me something to stop me feeling this way" so that i don't make you feel like you're walking on eggshells. 

i feel like i'm more of a psycho. because no one understands me and they interpret my mental state as either insane or stupid. 

see that picture on this post? i've been referred to this character for years. YEARS. it hurtful, it's Sad, It's Depressing and yet i have felt this was a mark on me for years. 
i still get bullied of being similar to this character. whats worse is sometimes the people who once called me friends have done this to me even my relationship issues have been destroyed because of my insulted affiliated. 
this is why i will forever speak out of my disability. because no one has to go through this travesty. 

i was not sent here to be treated this way. because of who i am. 
it's not okay. 
and i feel like everyone feels it is when it's not. it's never okay.

*Jurai Or....*

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Problems With Autism: Miscomunnication

One of my troubles is the fact when i write something its hard to tell what or how i am addressing it to people without body language. if i said something That's a compliment, my written comment would be mistaken as a insult. becasue of either the choice of words i write it out as or the way it was addressed written. its my hardest issue since growing up and being less social. for example, recently i told a model her work was well done since she had started to shoot her own photos just by using a old phone camera, i addressed to her in writing, that for someone to be using an old camera phone to take very well done pictures, she was very talented, and that perhaps when she has a DSLR she can take even more well photos.
unfortunately she took it as an insult. I  hate when times like these it's hard for me to address compliments, confessions, and sometimes attraction or even jokes, when it seems like the words i choose are not in a right order to be taken either positive or good in general when im trying to be. it's sad because most times i used to be negative and the worse thing is because i am in my emotions alot it makes me sad heavy when people start being angry with me when it happens. its as if i was told i am the "Worst friend ever" to my face and i can't stop hearing it.
I've even dealt with relationship opportunities being damaged because of this situation. i once told a girl who liked me about something that ended up to her sounded insulting when it wasn't, and because of that she stuck me back in the rejection area.
it's sad that when i try to say something logical, it comes out as insulting. when i make a compliment, it comes out negative. when i try to be positive in words, it turns out to sound like hate. 
please try to understand it wasn't my intent if you make that assumption. but also please ask me if anything what i mean. becauae when you think i am bein anything negative, im really not.
other wise i will definatly be silent as i once were years ago.

*Jurai Or Die*

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Problems with My Autism : sense of less intuition.

 I don't realize when is a time and place to realize curiosity is a not a bad thing and details are not always ment to be seen and heard. It's bad I don't realize when I have to take a step back and realize it's not my business to know the details on someone's personal or private moments or plans. I tend to not realize I overstep boundaries til it happens afterwards. I hate when it ruins my friendships or it tends to give the people who care about me a sense of uncomfort. I did it recently when I asked a friend about her plans for doing shoots and she was multitasking things on planning things out for video and photography and promotions and what have you.  I kept asking questions to know more detail til I didn't realized I was overdoing it and the close friend of mine felt upset at the outcome and was mad at me. I hate it. I wish I never had this feeling sometimes cause its probably why I deal with this shit on a daily basis. She had every right to be upset. I do this a lot and it's one of my habits. 
There are times I don't realize my curiosity needs to be limited, that it's okay to not know. But sadly I don't have the logic to comprehend it. Sometimes when I get requests from someone to get something or do a favor, it feels like I'm missing information, til it goes to the point I am lost, such as something simple like a bottle of soda, or a combination of a order at a fast food restaurant. I hate it sounds like I'm being a smart ass. But I'm really not. I'm just needin more detail to understand the situation.  To get a better glimpse of what I need to do. It works easier in restaurants because it's part of the job to the perfection, but it's annoying to the public and with friends because I have to ask otherwise it will confused the hell out of me. I don't like it. Never did. But it's something I did all my life til I got older. 
Please if youve ever been a witness to this, let me know and pull me back into reality to get me to stop. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel uncomfortable in this sense. And to my friends who I annoy with this, I'm sorry. It's something I need to gradually learn. 

*Jurai Or Die*

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Creating art with a Dangerous Mind.

Went to get my transit pass today cause i can't drive still due to the anxiety.
this month i get older, but i did break one silence this year, I've old a close friend why i cant drive. if anything my anxiety was not always expressive but now i felt comfortable to express that to someone as to why i cant drive.
I've always felt the simple things i don't have are why I'm by myself and single for the last 5 to 6 years, the money, the car, the home, the way I'm dress, the way i speak. the way i look. my weight, my bald head, my facial hair. my bad habits in talking too much, or coming on too strong when talking to a woman. sometimes its confusing. i get anxiety from talking to people, even women. some i was lucky to gain attention due to my art skills or mutual friends. but if anything its because of that alone is why i was able to break ground with them. i look amongst me and i see women who break up with people ore get dumped, saying they will stay single forever, and then contradict themselves when a man their physically attracted to talks to them. i have one friend who literally ends up sleeping with a guy before she even gets to know them. like how does that happen? i don't hate her, its just sad i see that happen. sometimes i feel like maybe its a curse having too many women as friends then men. i felt that if anything growing up with women being more dominant in the bloodline was the reason why I'm easily able to communicate with women after i am able to break ground. but at the same time, I've tried to have a shot with no avail, i tried asking a close friends of women i like asking advice what i should do, and still doesn't help. and then seeing so many other things on an on and on. its sad a close friend of mine who shows no interest in me is willing to take me to celebrate my birthday and she doesn't have to. honestly i feel bad about it when i think about it. time to time some women i cant even shoot or regret shooting because as a rule as a photographer, you're "not to put your emotions in your work or work field". and yet its hard because my emotions makes the work i produce better. that's like saying, don't use your imagination to write a story, use you're intellect instead. if anything this year makes me feel like its another year of me being single and alone.
today marks the third week ive been depressed in years. ive never thought i dealt with this issue for so long. and if anything i feel sick. i had to hide some of it sunday when i was being productive because i had to be professional. only because sometimes i can not be a sour puss when working for models. they dont care about my heart, they care about my work. (well a few care about me in some cases but not heart wise much) its tragic i can make the most well made photography, and yet i have to sleep off this depression yet end up waking up with the depression. i can make art to make me think, "i have the greatest job in the world" and yet go home saying ," i want to end my life" every hour. how is that possible? how is it i can make this craft and yet still feel miserable? is it my passion:? ignorance? i dont understand. if anything it is rediculous. some people would tell me to either stop working or not persue this but i do love it too much, to the point in mu success i ask for one thing: to have a special woman by my side be proud of what i do, let people know that a man she gives her heart to makes the art he loves. and that he loves life, loves art, and loves her. not sex. not bragging rights, not even lewd reasons. if anything i see sex more reasons why i noticed relatioships on my friends list at times. and sometimes it makes me confused. if i talk sex, im considered a "Dog" or a "pervert" but if i talk about love and passion, im considered some"gay black guy talking out of his ass" or worse. to the left of me assertiveness, to the right chivalry. its like neither can go together, thug and an gentleman. GEMINI. 

i feel like this year and this lonely heart needs to change and fast. if anything for my mom's sake to know she can rest happy knowing im loved by a woman who loves me for me. and loves me and gave me a chance to love her back. 
but again im probably writing another excuse to why im single still for another 6th year.
venting or maybe just frustrated and yet feeling too deep and alone.
i dunno. maybe i'll never get out of this rotting hole of depression.
especially since i can't get alot of help or wont get the love i desire.
you be the judge.

*jurai Or Die*

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Vision of loss.

Lost a Close friend of 5 years this week because slowly she was not seeing my vision and not giving it the respect it deserves. at the same time made me lose another friend who had potential in helping me with my future career. 

sometimes its hard to lose track of what your passionate for and what youre loving. because all you want is support. but it means nothing without love. you can always respect and feel that someone cares for you or what youre drive is, but it's nothing without love. i can't love sometimes friends because my love is a different meaning. it doesn't mean i don't care. i need to save the love for myself. for everytime someone says i "Should love Myself first" i put my love for them off after my own love.
a close friend of mine actually reccomended me try an app tonight called "Happify" in which helps your stress and emotion with a series of games, its very resourceful in information, i'm hoping down the line it helps me mentally and emotionally. 

since i've moved back to Ohio it seems things gotten more barren for me. and the people i once connected with in Arizona have started to distance me. one of my close friends has gone on to push me out now because i didn't accept her having a new relationship yet she was very open in showing her heart for me when she was single. another has gone and erased me afterwards due to the fact that i apparently am that toxic because of my doucheness at times as my sign of humor. it's really fucked up sometimes. and yet i came this way because of how i was treated. not to mention how people felt i needed to be. 
i did know some people i unfortunatly can't talk with at times but i know they care. most from ohio. only two to three in Arizona i know are so busy in thier lives i can't have them come to me because of what i deal with because my life isn't important. but i hate times when i have to constanly message them. one in particluar is a gal i worked with in arizona who blogs like me in time to time for the sake of getting things out of the open. her stuff is really good. in some levels she can relate to me and we even worked together on a shoot that reflects our emotions. i feel like sometimes when i read her stuff. i care. i actually see alot of myself in her. yet we have gone through different scenarios and situations, the emotions are the same. she has an advantage but somehow i see myself in her. and i guess its why she means alot to me. even as a friend sometimes. i feel that it's really important what she talks about. yet i wish i could tel others why she does and feels these feelings the way she does. it's powerful her words are. and yet the dark makes her the most beautiful thing ive seen. from at least my perspective. 

Here's my favorite picture of her shot by me. and please check out her blog to see what i mean. tell her shes beautiful and her words are as well.

 Her Blog:

*Jurai Or Die*

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

The Pain Still Lingers.

yeah, i got to come back here more often cause no one reads my facebook page posts anyways.
I should be sleeping, but all i can do is stand here focus on being productive and not think about the pain of my heart day by day, and yet, i can't stop relapsing the hurt i have to endure and force the pain inside me to pretend nothing happened to me or that i survive. and despite that all. i have to act like i'm able to live with this, and everything that surrounds me is contemplating of emotion that i can't just set aside. i just want this to go away every time i let down, i want this pain to go away when i have to deal with the lies, and the times i've been used and the times ive been taken advantaged of like everyone else and just smile and tough it out. and i can't. i see everyone progress in emotion and i can't do the same but i progress in everything else. why? why does i get blessed with everything else in favor but the one thing i desire more is never fulfilled? even when im focused on other things the temptation comes back around on me and then again after again i get the pain and anger. it's like i was born with an emotional defect that drives away the attraction. 

*Jurai or Die*

Monday, August 31, 2015

Well Well Well, look who came crawling back...

Yeah, i know. im here again.
so what has happend since i loast posted here?

Well first i moved to Arizona.
Started my photography skills.
Still dealing with rejection of women.

still dealing with my moms' health. which is why i may not be staying for long here.
the worse part is i know i only am friends with a few models due to the fact of my work ethic.
why does it sttill hurt?
i had the worse rejection ever when i went all the way on a hour train ride to downtown phoenix to meet a girl i was madly interested in, only to see her and her rejecting me for a guy who is her interest in the case of what he looks like.
and yet i gotten abit stronger in my case for dealing with the rejection.
less crying.
more silence.
and anger in some cases.
I don't know how or why. when i haven't even done anything to make this feel wierd.
hell some women i at least know i don't have a shot with, so im glad of being friends with them, but a few gems i see who i hope were interested i guess didn't see anything in a guy like me.
whats worse is two photographers in the area both have done things with thier spouses who are models too, and yet i envy that.
i dunno really what to write but this because its kinda got me so down today. to know that not even in this state or city i don't think i have a chance in hell to have someone of my own to make happy. even when im successful in my craft.

can't catch a break.

i don't even know what else to say because i don't even think anyone reads this. and im sure they already assume im being perverted or something.

*Jurai or Die*