Friday, May 16, 2014

I'm Sorry.(no hidden message)

I was supposed to post a Birthday Long blog a few days ago. but a few things have happened since then.

1. got into a rebuttal with my mother that ended up almost getting me kicked off my own property by the police
2. my mother was almost disagnosed with leukimia.
3. received another rejection from another woman.

4. and finally, recently i asked for some honesty about my use of friendships from one of my closer friends.


her response:

"To be blunt, you come across as a consided douche, going on about race and religion. I have respect for a properly worded argument, but your way of expressing your side seems whiny and terribly once sided with no open-mindedness what so ever. You give people the impression of not matter what you can't be wrong, or polite to be perfectly honest. Everything revolves around you no matter how trivial, it's always something against you, and how terrible your life is. You make people feel bad for you then take advantage of them in one form or another. I hope you don't mean to do this, because it's ex termly rude and I'm usually good at reading people so that would go against my gut of giving you the benifit of the doubt."



wow.

whats even more shocking about that, is that she's right.
i am very hypocritical when it comes to religion, and sadly, it's because of my father, he forced me to convert and admire the religon due to my upbringing. but at the same time, i do make rants about my race and religion.

race mostly because while i feel no wrong at sometimes of my race, i am ashamed of it.
everyday in the media and in people younger than me, i see ignorance, fashion, style, the music we listen to, the shows we watch, the slang we come up with, ignorance. only a sliver of intellect i see most of the time in our youth and celebrities, most of the intellect i see is in my peers. my generation. people around my age. and its sad. most of my friends are younger than me, and some are not understanding on that still because they accept today's situation and views. but all in all. i am ashamed at times, and i talk a big talk. (again, another trait from my father.)

and finally. Sympathy. i could say my disabilty makes me a attention whore when im down or when im super depressed. but it could be any of those things. all i know is i guess i do it too much. and because of that i lose friendships, and even lose relationship opportunities. however the ONLY thing not true is the fact also that apparently i take advantage of  people's generosity. if i do, it's not by intent. never by intent. i mean that would make me PRETTY HYPOCRITICAL of that when i hate it myself right?

anyways, in realization of this. i want you, any friend, former lover, or even fan, who has seen or been a victim of this, i only have one thing to say.


I'M SORRY.
i'm truly sorry.

i never meant to be this way nor did i intended this. this was beyond my own nature and truly not something i wanted to inhabit. and with this i give my deepest apologies.
i am willing to accept this and take responsibility on what i have done to hurt you or anyone else. it is said that sometimes the first step is to admitting you made a mistake, the second is to know you need to fix it.

i intend to fix this mistake.
the fact things have happend to me these past few weeks maybe karma at work for what ive done to people. and with that im accepting my punishment on that, whether it was my loss of a record deal and the fact i lost relationship opportunites and even loss of friends.

if i offended you or anyway insulted you by accident or in anyway due to my opinion, i apologize for that too.

if there is any simpler way to make it up to any of you, trust me it's best to tell me and i will do my best to work on it.

aside from that, i know im not perfect, this is a work in progress. but as long as those who still care support me and my growth, i will be able to make the change need in myself for myself and others.

this is all i know i need to do.


aside from this, thank you for the 200 fans on my facebook, and thank you for the birthday wishes if any.

oh, and here's Yoku Jr. be nice. he says hi.

Later Days. 


*Jurai Or Die*


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