Thursday, June 9, 2016

More miscommunication. or Maybe im insane.


Every-time i try to do something not intended to be negative it ends being exactly that. and i hate being someone asking for notice on that but it always seems lie im begging for attention. when in reality thats not what i want to be, this is why being depressed and in physical pain to myself seems the route to go at times. because i don't have any solution. nothing else usually helps and therapy only does so much. you look at me as if im being this "Woe is Me"type of characteristic. im not trying to be that at all. im more like "give me something to stop me feeling this way" so that i don't make you feel like you're walking on eggshells. 

i feel like i'm more of a psycho. because no one understands me and they interpret my mental state as either insane or stupid. 

see that picture on this post? i've been referred to this character for years. YEARS. it hurtful, it's Sad, It's Depressing and yet i have felt this was a mark on me for years. 
i still get bullied of being similar to this character. whats worse is sometimes the people who once called me friends have done this to me even my relationship issues have been destroyed because of my insulted affiliated. 
this is why i will forever speak out of my disability. because no one has to go through this travesty. 

i was not sent here to be treated this way. because of who i am. 
it's not okay. 
and i feel like everyone feels it is when it's not. it's never okay.


*Jurai Or....*


Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Problems with My Mental Health: Miscomunnication

One of my troubles is the fact when i write something its hard to tell what or how i am addressing it to people without body language. if i said something That's a compliment, my written comment would be mistaken as a insult. becasue of either the choice of words i write it out as or the way it was addressed written. its my hardest issue since growing up and being less social. for example, recently i told a model her work was well done since she had started to shoot her own photos just by using a old phone camera, i addressed to her in writing, that for someone to be using an old camera phone to take very well done pictures, she was very talented, and that perhaps when she has a DSLR she can take even more well photos.
unfortunately she took it as an insult. I  hate when times like these it's hard for me to address compliments, confessions, and sometimes attraction or even jokes, when it seems like the words i choose are not in a right order to be taken either positive or good in general when im trying to be. it's sad because most times i used to be negative and the worse thing is because i am in my emotions alot it makes me sad heavy when people start being angry with me when it happens. its as if i was told i am the "Worst friend ever" to my face and i can't stop hearing it.
I've even dealt with relationship opportunities being damaged because of this situation. i once told a girl who liked me about something that ended up to her sounded insulting when it wasn't, and because of that she stuck me back in the rejection area.
it's sad that when i try to say something logical, it comes out as insulting. when i make a compliment, it comes out negative. when i try to be positive in words, it turns out to sound like hate. 
please try to understand it wasn't my intent if you make that assumption. but also please ask me if anything what i mean. becauae when you think i am bein anything negative, im really not.
other wise i will definatly be silent as i once were years ago.

*Jurai Or Die*

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Problems with My Mental Health : sense of less intuition.

 I don't realize when is a time and place to realize curiosity is a not a bad thing and details are not always ment to be seen and heard. It's bad I don't realize when I have to take a step back and realize it's not my business to know the details on someone's personal or private moments or plans. I tend to not realize I overstep boundaries til it happens afterwards. I hate when it ruins my friendships or it tends to give the people who care about me a sense of uncomfort. I did it recently when I asked a friend about her plans for doing shoots and she was multitasking things on planning things out for video and photography and promotions and what have you.  I kept asking questions to know more detail til I didn't realized I was overdoing it and the close friend of mine felt upset at the outcome and was mad at me. I hate it. I wish I never had this feeling sometimes cause its probably why I deal with this shit on a daily basis. She had every right to be upset. I do this a lot and it's one of my habits. 
There are times I don't realize my curiosity needs to be limited, that it's okay to not know. But sadly I don't have the logic to comprehend it. Sometimes when I get requests from someone to get something or do a favor, it feels like I'm missing information, til it goes to the point I am lost, such as something simple like a bottle of soda, or a combination of a order at a fast food restaurant. I hate it sounds like I'm being a smart ass. But I'm really not. I'm just needin more detail to understand the situation.  To get a better glimpse of what I need to do. It works easier in restaurants because it's part of the job to the perfection, but it's annoying to the public and with friends because I have to ask otherwise it will confused the hell out of me. I don't like it. Never did. But it's something I did all my life til I got older. 
Please if youve ever been a witness to this, let me know and pull me back into reality to get me to stop. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel uncomfortable in this sense. And to my friends who I annoy with this, I'm sorry. It's something I need to gradually learn. 

*Jurai Or Die*

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Creating art with a Dangerous Mind.



Went to get my transit pass today cause i can't drive still due to the anxiety.
this month i get older, but i did break one silence this year, I've old a close friend why i cant drive. if anything my anxiety was not always expressive but now i felt comfortable to express that to someone as to why i cant drive.
I've always felt the simple things i don't have are why I'm by myself and single for the last 5 to 6 years, the money, the car, the home, the way I'm dress, the way i speak. the way i look. my weight, my bald head, my facial hair. my bad habits in talking too much, or coming on too strong when talking to a woman. sometimes its confusing. i get anxiety from talking to people, even women. some i was lucky to gain attention due to my art skills or mutual friends. but if anything its because of that alone is why i was able to break ground with them. i look amongst me and i see women who break up with people ore get dumped, saying they will stay single forever, and then contradict themselves when a man their physically attracted to talks to them. i have one friend who literally ends up sleeping with a guy before she even gets to know them. like how does that happen? i don't hate her, its just sad i see that happen. sometimes i feel like maybe its a curse having too many women as friends then men. i felt that if anything growing up with women being more dominant in the bloodline was the reason why I'm easily able to communicate with women after i am able to break ground. but at the same time, I've tried to have a shot with no avail, i tried asking a close friends of women i like asking advice what i should do, and still doesn't help. and then seeing so many other things on an on and on. its sad a close friend of mine who shows no interest in me is willing to take me to celebrate my birthday and she doesn't have to. honestly i feel bad about it when i think about it. time to time some women i cant even shoot or regret shooting because as a rule as a photographer, you're "not to put your emotions in your work or work field". and yet its hard because my emotions makes the work i produce better. that's like saying, don't use your imagination to write a story, use you're intellect instead. if anything this year makes me feel like its another year of me being single and alone.
today marks the third week ive been depressed in years. ive never thought i dealt with this issue for so long. and if anything i feel sick. i had to hide some of it sunday when i was being productive because i had to be professional. only because sometimes i can not be a sour puss when working for models. they dont care about my heart, they care about my work. (well a few care about me in some cases but not heart wise much) its tragic i can make the most well made photography, and yet i have to sleep off this depression yet end up waking up with the depression. i can make art to make me think, "i have the greatest job in the world" and yet go home saying ," i want to end my life" every hour. how is that possible? how is it i can make this craft and yet still feel miserable? is it my passion:? ignorance? i dont understand. if anything it is rediculous. some people would tell me to either stop working or not persue this but i do love it too much, to the point in mu success i ask for one thing: to have a special woman by my side be proud of what i do, let people know that a man she gives her heart to makes the art he loves. and that he loves life, loves art, and loves her. not sex. not bragging rights, not even lewd reasons. if anything i see sex more reasons why i noticed relatioships on my friends list at times. and sometimes it makes me confused. if i talk sex, im considered a "Dog" or a "pervert" but if i talk about love and passion, im considered some"gay black guy talking out of his ass" or worse. to the left of me assertiveness, to the right chivalry. its like neither can go together, thug and an gentleman. GEMINI. 

i feel like this year and this lonely heart needs to change and fast. if anything for my mom's sake to know she can rest happy knowing im loved by a woman who loves me for me. and loves me and gave me a chance to love her back. 
but again im probably writing another excuse to why im single still for another 6th year.
venting or maybe just frustrated and yet feeling too deep and alone.
i dunno. maybe i'll never get out of this rotting hole of depression.
especially since i can't get alot of help or wont get the love i desire.
you be the judge.

*jurai Or Die*

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