Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Creating art with a Dangerous Mind.



Went to get my transit pass today cause i can't drive still due to the anxiety.
this month i get older, but i did break one silence this year, I've old a close friend why i cant drive. if anything my anxiety was not always expressive but now i felt comfortable to express that to someone as to why i cant drive.
I've always felt the simple things i don't have are why I'm by myself and single for the last 5 to 6 years, the money, the car, the home, the way I'm dress, the way i speak. the way i look. my weight, my bald head, my facial hair. my bad habits in talking too much, or coming on too strong when talking to a woman. sometimes its confusing. i get anxiety from talking to people, even women. some i was lucky to gain attention due to my art skills or mutual friends. but if anything its because of that alone is why i was able to break ground with them. i look amongst me and i see women who break up with people ore get dumped, saying they will stay single forever, and then contradict themselves when a man their physically attracted to talks to them. i have one friend who literally ends up sleeping with a guy before she even gets to know them. like how does that happen? i don't hate her, its just sad i see that happen. sometimes i feel like maybe its a curse having too many women as friends then men. i felt that if anything growing up with women being more dominant in the bloodline was the reason why I'm easily able to communicate with women after i am able to break ground. but at the same time, I've tried to have a shot with no avail, i tried asking a close friends of women i like asking advice what i should do, and still doesn't help. and then seeing so many other things on an on and on. its sad a close friend of mine who shows no interest in me is willing to take me to celebrate my birthday and she doesn't have to. honestly i feel bad about it when i think about it. time to time some women i cant even shoot or regret shooting because as a rule as a photographer, you're "not to put your emotions in your work or work field". and yet its hard because my emotions makes the work i produce better. that's like saying, don't use your imagination to write a story, use you're intellect instead. if anything this year makes me feel like its another year of me being single and alone.
today marks the third week ive been depressed in years. ive never thought i dealt with this issue for so long. and if anything i feel sick. i had to hide some of it sunday when i was being productive because i had to be professional. only because sometimes i can not be a sour puss when working for models. they dont care about my heart, they care about my work. (well a few care about me in some cases but not heart wise much) its tragic i can make the most well made photography, and yet i have to sleep off this depression yet end up waking up with the depression. i can make art to make me think, "i have the greatest job in the world" and yet go home saying ," i want to end my life" every hour. how is that possible? how is it i can make this craft and yet still feel miserable? is it my passion:? ignorance? i dont understand. if anything it is rediculous. some people would tell me to either stop working or not persue this but i do love it too much, to the point in mu success i ask for one thing: to have a special woman by my side be proud of what i do, let people know that a man she gives her heart to makes the art he loves. and that he loves life, loves art, and loves her. not sex. not bragging rights, not even lewd reasons. if anything i see sex more reasons why i noticed relatioships on my friends list at times. and sometimes it makes me confused. if i talk sex, im considered a "Dog" or a "pervert" but if i talk about love and passion, im considered some"gay black guy talking out of his ass" or worse. to the left of me assertiveness, to the right chivalry. its like neither can go together, thug and an gentleman. GEMINI. 

i feel like this year and this lonely heart needs to change and fast. if anything for my mom's sake to know she can rest happy knowing im loved by a woman who loves me for me. and loves me and gave me a chance to love her back. 
but again im probably writing another excuse to why im single still for another 6th year.
venting or maybe just frustrated and yet feeling too deep and alone.
i dunno. maybe i'll never get out of this rotting hole of depression.
especially since i can't get alot of help or wont get the love i desire.
you be the judge.

*jurai Or Die*

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