Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Fuck a Resolution.





I'm secure now in my life to actually say these words:
"I don't give a shit."
i don't have to work my ass pff to get attention and or affection anymore knowing i survived another year of Bullshit.
it won't make a difference.
some of you i managed to gain more respect as i feel accomplished on completing my music, and you maybe rewarded on that in the long running plans i have for next year.
some of you decided to cut losses of me while your still on my friends list.
why?
why for the sake would you even consider being around me when you have no respect nor have no appreciation for me? just to be nosy?
#FOHWTBS.
on everything. if you're done with me, you're done with me. simple as that. your "silent treatments" are through.
I'm through wasting time and money and sympathy to some of you who feel im a piece of shit of an existence yet im still on your social media friends list.
I'm only focused on those who keep a relevance to talk to me for now on.
i realize this social world is not important anymore.
and sometimes i may need to remind myself that it isn't still.
i just finished a accomplishment this year i didn't think i would finish this year.
and despite emotion and a medical condition, i stayed on the same path to finish it. (for those who didn't even know what im talking about, read my last post before this one to catch up.)
you can not say a man of my damaged mental capability has not achieved this task before.
i can actually say i have made three projects with a mental condition.
yes im sure there are people who are far worse than me on this earth, but they aren't me. there's the difference.
and while some of you ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT that i have accomplished this objective, those are the one's I'm making sure stick around.
the rest of you who are still on here in social media world, feeling the need to not speak to me at all even outside of the music, who USED to be close to me but changed because i did ONE mistake or so, who feel I'm not worthy of a friend, take a moment to think about what i did in generosity before you judged me.
before you made assumption that i had done good things for something. compare that to maybe the people in this world who did worse to you than what i did.
aside from that, if you don't think im a friend, you can go ahead and erase me from you existence. cause i guarantee I'll be doing the same to you.
no more bullshit is all im asking for 2014.

Masaki Out.

*Jurai or Die*

Friday, November 29, 2013

Half Lost Potential.

So it seems i have been misinterpreted when i talk to women.
i have very beautiful female friends. i am not even gonna sugar coat the shit, but in reality, only a few i was interested in til it came dwindling down later on throughout last year.
most times i mention certain women becuase i know they feel inadequate, insecure, and sometimes not important. in reality this has backfired on me because it seems like im interested in EVERY girl im like this to. and i don't realize that. 

i'm sorry for that. really i am. but in reality there was only one woman who i was really interested in. and tonight i confessed to her.

and she doesn't believe me. 

why? because it seems like every woman i talk to online makes the conversations look like im trying to talk to them in a datable way. and that's wrong of me to do that.
it's true, i do playflirt alittle like most people, but in reality it seems she was the one i should have focused on. 
and now she's doubts me. 
this was my wake up call.

well, maybe it's time i stop being the nice guy to every female.
maybe i should no longer focus on every female im friends with.
the one i like alot doesn't even LIVE in the U.S.
yeah, again with another distance crush.
but in all honesty, i've kept this one a secret because i don't want anyone to take her but me.
she's not possession, but she should only see me as potential.
if you are reading this my dear,
know this is proof that i want to only talk to  you.
it is not an act of despiration or an act of non confidence.it is an act of confession. if you want to let me make you happy say the magic words. 
cause im waiting. 


*jurai or die*

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Me. in a Nutshell. Empathize on the "Nut"

i'm pretty sure all of you know now that i have not only Bipolar and Autism, but also sever cases of Schizophrenia. along with bits of OCD, which is why order is kinda a thing for me. the thing is, i don't know if you some will either accept my moods or actions during my attacks or episodes because of this or not.

i won't lie, i am a hardcase of a friend, boyfriend, or even relative. there are moments when i feel like nothing can stop me, and in a drop of a dime by one thing i say or do, i end up either feeling like crap, or i feel like i want to punch someone in the face.

i went to see my therapist today and told her about my actions from two days  ago, she told me it's a stage from my autism that makes me have these moods, in which i try to reach out to someone without realizing some people in this society are mostly busy, and it's not being one of ignoring me, but one of being too busy with priorites to be able to show compassion for me when i feel i need it.

she told me my condition makes me have this visage as if everyone is free to be able to reach out to me and show their sympathies, and that i sometimes feel like i'm expecting someone who is considerate of my friendship to drop everything they are doing to see me, as if it's true, when at times i need to realize the reality of the situation and i need to slow my emotions down in ways of calmness.

i have a different degree of autism unlike some people who have it like myself. while some have heavier stages in which they can not even function a normal life, there are some who can function where they don't show any signs of a condition at all. think of it like the difference between Radio, and Howard Hughes in his early years. i feel im in the middle ground. i can function, and know some typical things like common people, but at times i am oblivious to my surroundings or people's actions because i show too much emotion that makes me feel selfish. and sometimes i end up either realizing i hurt people's feelings, or i find out by losing their friendship all together. and it's one of the many reasons why my comfort zone is being anti social. not because i don't end up not hurt, but i don't hurt people's feelings with my language when in REALITY, i am not intending to.

my other problem is my anger. at times when i get depressed, i tend to trigger my anger, which is like my safety mechanism. whenever i get depressed, i tend to lash out and rage at people or things. it's common of me to be that way due to my socializing with the wrong people when i was younger. i was a lemming. a follower. and everyone who abused my friendship i was angry with. one day my brother told me he became friends with a man who bullied me when i was in high school, he wanted to talk to me and i refused. why? because i became a better person without him. it wasn't because i was even still mad at him for the bulling he did to me years ago. it's because why should i accept his friendship when i was fine without it? call it a grudge if you want, but it's something i have a strong defense in. its because of his type of people is why i have bad trust issues in friends. and when i deal with rejection of women, that also triggers my depression and anger. it's mostly the reason why my rants at times goes on here. (yes, the one we all know about is partly due to a trigger)

my rants sometimes are mostly because of my triggers, my video rants are as well, so anytime you may have read or watched a rat from me about why women treat me like shit or guys like me like shit, it's mostly due to a trigger of my depression and anger reaction to a rejection. its not healthy, i know, but it's what's happened to me for years.

one friend i upset the most told me this week that i obviously don't realize i hurt people's feelings when i say things like i did that night when i mentioned i don't have friends. it was taken out of context. and i didn't realize it til i said it. i have somewhat a "Blind Rage" whereas i don't see the consequences til AFTER i do them. right now my friend is still mad at me im sure, unless she's busy and just not saying anything in regards to that day. (also, when i apologize more then once, to a point of annoyance by the way, Take that as a serious Apology, it's part of my condition as well. i tend to be seriously apologetic repetitively. i know it's annoying but it's real.)

The reasons i'm writing this is because either some of you either still don't get why i act the way i do beyond this condition, or some you didn't even know. there is one thing i CAN say despite all this. i have been Honest since you knew me. i haven't hidden anything, sometimes i'm too open with my honesty. and it backfires on me. but you know what? i at least have nothing to hide. i've told most of you everything you know about me. no rumors, no gossip, no lies. (unless if i did lie on anything, let me know and i'll tell you the truth.. )

right now, on this Halloween Night, i am writing this because i feel like the monster is who i really am. no mask, no costume, just me and my naked face. and that's the scariest thing about me even i fear. the fear of my honesty.

if you are one of the few i have annoyed, hurt, or ignored, take this in consideration and Accept my apologies. i truly don't mean to offend, or disrespect intentionally without thought.

if you are one who still understands my situation and still supports, or considers my friendship and loyalty true, then i thank you for giving me acceptance in your life beyond my imperfections of myself. and know i may not say it at times, but i TRULY appreciate our friendship more than you know.

If you are still unsure about your place in my life because of my actions, please know this: i cannot say it won't happen again, but it will be fixed in time to the point it may never happen again, i am not saying to endure, but to understand my situation. for this condition of mine is a social double edged sword, and not only i feel horrible for hurting you, but hurting myself in doing these actions.

My mind is like a broken china plate shattered in million pieces. and i only have HALF the plate glued back together. give me time to finish what i started. in time the pieces wont fit, but they will be put together again.


*Jurai or Die*

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Music Doesn't always help my feelings.

i'm not like other musicians when it comes to always Expressing my feelings in music.
i still need to be in a Zone, moment or even a certain feel to even be able to write and record.

i can't always take my feelings out in my music. 

whether im happy, sad, lonely, heartbroken, or even angry.

sometimes my feelings or condition is too much for me to even begin writing. in fact if the mood makes things worse, i get writer's block and i can't even vent. 


it has happen many times, i get people telling me "just vent on your music" or "take your feelings out in your music" or even, "focus on your music to take your mind off it."


THAT DOESN'T WORK WITH ME ALL THE TIME.


I'm different from that mold. you can't tell me to do that when i am in a point of emotion that clouds me from doing my work. unless you have been in my position, you can't understand.


so the next time someone you tell me to focus my feelings in my music when im in a mental breakdown and i'm too frustrated to work, i'm just gonna ignore you period. cause you don't know me that well to know how i'm thinking or feeling.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Batman Review: Beware the Batman


So i finally watched Beware the Batman today, i wont lie it doesn't fit for me abit, but a few things about it that as a true batman fan i decided to take in stride to keep watching it.
1. Tara Strong returns as Batgirl (technically she comes back as Barbara Gordon and not her superhero identity.)
2. Katana was a character i always liked and never got her due in Any of the DC cartoons she made Brief appearances in.
nevertheless i am happy some of the Unnoticed villains get some spotlight in this series. (Professor Pig, Toad, Magpie. Anarkey)
but to be honest, you can't have Batman cartoon without a Joker. it's plain and simple.
forget the movies and the games, Joker alone was the villain that was always a memorable experience in batman's Adventures, taking joker out of the equation is like saying PB&J is not the norm of sandwiches. hopefully DC will rectify their mistake.

i give this show 3 1/2 out of 5. it will grow on me, but Bruce Timm's classic will always outshine every other cartoon including this one.
 
 

Friday, July 5, 2013

Dying Breed.

came home to see my mother crying. Horrible to see first thing in the morning. the pain she goes thru only motivates me to endure my own. hurts me to see her like this sometimes. because of my dad.and you people wonder why i hate my own gender, when someone like my own mother is emotionally scarred like this. unless anyone can relate to her pain, im sure no woman comes first compared to my mother of 40 years with the shit she deals with. it's upsetting really. pisses me off so much how men do this to women. that's why i relate well more to women than men. so ladies if you ask why i'm emotional, blame my mother, & you can't EVER hate me cause of that. Cause unless your moms was bad, mine's not. i'm not weak cause she isn't. but we DO feel pain. I'm hurt as much as she is, i've just have youth to endure more than her. she deserves so much more than what she deals with.But again, some of you women are too conceited to even care what i'm saying right now. i know my bros hear me though, but you women don't.all you see is a man who's weak and so emotional that "he could never take charge." "he wont be confident to me cause he's too nice." "he's too sensitive, he's not the kind of guy who will be strong for me" " he's too emotional to help me not be insecure."I have heard these things for the past 20 something years. and you know what? still friendzone. And don't give me that "it don't exist" B.S.let it be known i don't hate women either, i hate that you women don't ever SEE real in front of you cause of your selfishness.i swear it's like i deal with so much shit and hate my own gender, and only the guys who know what i deal with feel me. but if i even show you women i care UNLIKE THE ASSHOLES OF MEN, you completely ignore or don't bother me.it's like you think a nigga feels like a attention whore to you women eyes cause of your own problems.we men deal with shit too. not only that, we have pain, we have problems. we get hurt too. but you feel dominant on heartbreak over us. this society right now visualizes this, Men never get pain, but women do. and that's not true. men feel pain, men get hurt too. men do love.this society sickens me to see on the fact that women feel that men will never know how women feel on pain. yes ladies, You give birth to children, that indeed is a factor you hold over us, but what you deal with in love, family, and pain, did you ever THINK for one second that us REAL men ever dealt with the pain you dealt with? Heartbreak? sadness? hurtful people? we endure JUST like you do. It angers me when women Think we men don't have heart. thats fucking typecasting BULLSHIT. and not true. Hell, even before the assholes you dated became assholes, i bet they were JUST LIKE US REAL MEN.MEN can be insecure, MEN can feel emotion, MEN can deal with pain too. DONT ever Question that we aren't. it's like even those men who treat you like shit, you take them and typecast that for ALL men, and thats BS.you use that as an excuse to Make yourselves closer to Other women, "sisterly love" and all that shit. but think about it, i have YET to hear ONE women ask ME, what do i feel, how i have to endure pain, Why? cause even YOU think it's weak. and that, again, is no different in typecasting about us men, when we are all not even like that. you ladies need to wake up and stop pushing the good ones away, or ignoring them. Cause guess what, you are turning us into the assholes you so called "HATE" and date anyways. i swear partly i hate when most of the beautiful women i see who are say they hate men and i half agree with them. but the other half is saying, "why hate all men when you don't even KNOW me"? it's like all of a sudden all us men are subjective to the category of douches.

the ONLY guys who don't GET this Typecasting? celebrities.

if i was actually famous, i swear you women would NEVER see me as an asshole. EVER..i look at all these women Glorifying celebrity men, like crushes and you don't even know sometimes how they are.
and sometimes, you don't realize there's a 95% chance a BASIC brother who has the same capabilities and feels like the celebrity you worship.
Now i know ladies your thinking, "well why do men do the same?" cause sometimes we feel we wont get women like you all. trust me if i had a choice between a celebrity women and a basic girl who is exactly the same, i would choose the basic girl.only the asshole men you see on twitter and social media will say i'm crazy for not choosing the celebrity, cause of one thing: MONEY. i will say this: women, stop typecasting ALL of us men to be douches, you'd be surprised some men want REAL love and not think of sex. and NOT be gay about it either. i have known for a fact there are MORE women who think of sex more than men do. and yet you women think WE think of it more than you. you ever think ladies that YOU might treat US like pieces of meat too?. i had a relationship where i literally felt like i was nothing but a human fucking dildo to my ex. and yet i supported her. and yet I WAS the one who wanted to support her, comfort her, and yet she felt i was only good for sexual reasons. had i stuck around in the relationship, i would have been way different than who i am now. had i stuck around in the relationship, i would have been way different than who i am now. WAKE UP. stop putting every emotional but strong supporting guy who worships you in the dumpster. forreal. i'm a nice guy still. no matter what, i won't change who i am. i don't care if the assholes say i'm weak cause i'm emotional, cause i know they were like me til they gave no fucks. but stop ignoring men like me cause you feel we don't count. that's not true. we have just as a big heart as you do. you just feel we weak. it's just you women who I KNOW will ignore me once again on this, why? cause you think I "don't know how i feel or what i've been through" ladies If you take the gender specifics away, we real men are no different than you. our hearts have been broken as easily as yours. we are human JUST like you. We have dealt with JUST like you. STOP ignoring us. otherwise we WILL become the assholes you hate so much. not every nice guy is a creeper for fucks sake. we wouldn't come to that if you gave us a chance. typecasting at it's finest. and stop bitching about how us nice guys who REALLY have heart are not acceptable because of appearances. that's bullshit as well, cause i feel like we men have to deal with insecurity cause you women want attractive guys, and you women why do the same to you ladies.i mean damn, if you deal with insecurity ladies, you don't think we do too? we don't just bulk up with muscles for health. we do it for YOU. (well also for our health but that's beside the point right now) we deal with our hair, weight, and all that other shit to appease YOU WOMEN. i swear aside of gender specifics of it, we men deal with so much YOU WOMEN don't Even Know. it all boils down to this Question ladies: WHY do you feel to hate ALL MEN? when ALL men are NOT asses? you went through a bad relationship,he did wrong to you, he broke your heart, i get it, but WHY do you feel like it's ALL our fault? you say that like it's in our MALE chromosomes. psh, Typecasting AGAIN. you women cheat too. you women lie too. but you don't see us categorizing it ALL the time (only some do.) i'm tired of being categorized as one of the good guys who ends up in a pile of assholes. that's like putting a dirty red sock in a bundle of dirty white laundry, you end up bleeding it out. when are you ladies gonna give us good guys the opportunity? we would do the same first if you actually get to know us. i have the balls to say i have so many single attractive female friends and not one of them will think i'm good enough for them. (that's includes all of you women who personally know me.)

It's true, sometimes we men are dumb, but you gotta understand stupidity will exist in this world. on BOTH GENDERS. you women can't tell me you have had or seen other women having DUMB moments. it happens. i never judge it. the other thing is ladies, STOP thinking we men are ALL horndogs. you women talk about sex alot more than us nowadays. geez. Sometimes we men don't put sex in the first part of relationship all the time. we men are patient too. shit, you be surprised. we like the same things in arelationship too like you do, without asking for sex. and again, NOT being Gay about it. you know what's funny? i see more women asking for EXACTLY what qualify us good men, and yet they STILL ignore us. being afraid to try is okay, hell, we men are NERVOUS AS SHIT to try to EVEN TELL YOU WE LIKE YOU SOMETIMES LADIES, don't you see that? like i said last Post, we are like the frog prince, to get that man you want, sometimes you gotta give us that "magical kiss" but all you see is that ugly frog, right? so you don't wanna even do that. and that's my metaphorical definition for "friendzoning" (but i know some of you don't believe in that.) sometimes we don't even GET a look from you women. just cause you judge us by how we look. it's sad that i see this same thing happen to good men like myself, and my male friends. stop JUDGING US, and maybe we won't do the same. this world would probably be less chaotic as it is. i mean i swear i hear so many stories of women asking for me JUST LIKE ME, and they are so blind to not notice. and they STILL DON'T. but to the women who have YET to notice, i suggest you WAKE THE FUCK UP AND GIVE US A SHOT. and ladies, stop blaming ALL of us, Please. i know for sure i'm not an asshole. i'm not saying to date your male best friend who only understands you either.....but if a nice guy you are friends with seems like he wants a chance and he truly has been good with you, why not give him a fucking shot? you'd be surprised, otherwise, us nice guys, we will continue to be a dying breed. well, not dead. just "horribly maimed and is very likely to go into cardiac arrest" .or better yet, i'll sum this up on one thing: Dave Chappelle was right on this, "chivalry is dead, and women killed it."

or like my boy marc said, not dead. just "horribly maimed and is very likely to go into cardiac arrest" .

*jurai or die*

Thursday, March 7, 2013

its me being stupid again.


i feel the need to explain things:
i am a man, yes, and yet i hate that sometimes my instincts get in the way, sometimes i hate that im not good communicating in how i feel about someone. when one moment i am sincere, and the next i sound like a douche when i wasn't trying to be. i guess it's cause of that reason i end up single. i feel like steve carell in the 40 year old virgin at times. cause i respect women so much i shouldn't be with one, cause no matter what i do i end up saying or doing something stupid. and then it builds up more to a woman to make me sound like i'm making excuses.
my father's side of the family has a history of bad relationships. they end up hurt, or worse stupid. I've told my mother time and time again i would be next, because i keep ending up doing stupid things. i'm not manipulative, that's sick of me to even do that, and whats worse is it gets worse til i end up being forced out of the relationship.
maybe that's why i lost the last two. maybe im just fooling myself that im not who i am. maybe im fooling myself to even deserving love. it feels like it, cause right now i know no matter what i say non intentionally it sounds stupid. i never felt i was that smart, otherwise i would consider myself perfect. i am a learner. i do learn. it just takes slow time. i don't think i'll ever be a deserving guy. sometimes i feel this way cause of my dumb actions.

i guess i'll stop talking now since im sure you all thinking im being either annoying, making excuses or sounding repetitive, or just that you will ignore this all together, it's not like anyone cares. at least i know i wont be sleeping tonight.


not asking for sympathy anyways, just understanding who i am.


*jurai or die*

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