Another Year of Heartbreak. (and Anger)

Have you ever gotten the same advice from people over and over again, and even when you take it and it doesnt work you end up getting the same advice still over and over?

thats enough to make you mad, Yes?

lash out even?

that was me yesterday.

i got angry at some of my friends who gave me the same spoon fed advice after i have had weeks of depression dealing with being single again for 7 years. 

and whats worse is that mostly

i'm tired of people giving me the same cookie cutter advice on dating.

"Pleanty of Fish in the sea"

"Wait for the moment, youre time will come"

"go to a bar"

"go to a Con"

"Go to a Dating site"

"try a Dating app (i.e. Tinder)"

"She has't seen you yet."

"go to a concert"

"Change who you are and maybe she will come to you"

"Focus on yourself"

"LOVE YOURSELF"

it's enough to make me mad all the time. the moment i hear those words from any of these it pisses me off.

 they tell me The same answers after i say this usually...

"I understand that but it's the truth. I know it's irritating and you're tired of hearing it but you do need to love yourself, Raijphinai"

But for how long? HOW LONG? i love myself so much i don't feel it's fair to love myself when someone else deserves it as muchas i do myself!

it's just i've done all these things. especially loving myself. im running out of metaphorical cups to pour my love overflowing in, because i have to keep doing it and it's getting to be too much.

it's just i've done all these things. especially loving myself.

i just want a friend who is willing to be spontaneus on helping me in anything New.

im not asking anyone to MAKE me a Girlfriend, but at least help me in a new way to get a woman's attention. Hell, i even played the "be an assertive asshole" card.

I had an arguement with two friends because they were more upset with me on the fact I was Being Rude and Angry in defense to them when they were being friends with me and that i had no right to act that way, more or less. and yet they don't notice that im HURT. i'm SAD. i'm ALONE. to the point if i hear the same old dribble im going to be upset. 

i wouldn't be mad or rude to people if people didn't give me the same advice.

and don't forget optimism. 

yes. im alive. 

im less hurt from being in a relationship.

women are evil or jerks sometimes

you doging a bullet.

it's better than being single.

and finally, the one i hate the most...

"well at least you have your success in Photography"

what the FUCK does that have to do with relationships? i would love to have a girlfriend who supported my work and be my vessel in my work. that would be 10x better than hiring any plain Jane model.

I mean i once stated that i'm willing to help a woman see the beauty in herself that my career could evolve her into a model for all i know cause of my success. that i would shoot with her day or night. that i would take her all around the world with me. I have so many dreams it's rediculous.

i know my autism and depression and Anxiety can't be an excuse either, but GODDAMN i'm just so sick of those same cards being dealt with me.

I'm tired of the fact no matter how much i love and change myself i don't get noticed, even when im not asking for it.

i don't want someone to MAKE me a girlfriend either, like for god's sake it's rediculous to ask that.

not asking for sympathy either. 

but i am asking for better advice. or something more spontaneus. 

something random that i can take to the next level. and that maybe it can work out for me. 

*Jurai or Die*

Problems with My Mental Health: It's Been a While. But I'm Not Okay.

Had a Moment of breakdown today. Ended up Livestreaming the moment Since it reached a breaking point of Aggression and Pain. But enough is Enough. I've Upset My Best friend, to the point she is Keeping her distance from me, not to mention she is Dealing with Heartbreak herself from a breakup. And it feels like People are either assuming im asking for attention, or Im making this up. Ive cried so many nights i felt so much pain letting things go. 

Monday.

Tuesday:

Wednesday, 

Received Words of Encouragement from a Friend/Model who admires my work and Even Worked with me Once. 

"Yesterday is over. 

Learn from the lessons you came across but do not live in the negative moments on which you stumbled over. Always reflect but don't stay there or you will miss the amazing present in front of you.

Today is here. 

What a beautiful gift indeed! A chance to grow and stay positive. Do not focus on the what ifs, could haves or should haves. Shine bright to light up hope for someone who may be alone crawling in the dark. Stay positive! You made it here! Look at you kicking ass and surviving! You have overcome so much already, DO NOT cut yourself down for being a fighter because you are a champion! Life is trying to talk to you. Listen.

Tomorrow is waiting for you.

Be excited because no matter what happens in the current moment, you can try again. Grab all the opportunities it has to offer because it is a new, undamaged, clean page which to write anything you want. The beautiful things you can write are endless! Keep your mind open more and your soul free!

You've got this!! 💜 I'm only a message away and I'm not the only one. We all love you Rai! Keep your head up so you can see. Don't walk with your head down anymore! Your feet will carry you without you staring down at them. Life, opportunity and happiness are front of you, not below you. Your friends and family walk beside you, not below you. Your missing the view staring at the past. Chin up! Shoulders back! Today is the first day of forever!!

Xoxo

Kristin Arlee"

(photo of Model/Friend mentioned, Photo taken By me)

I have to start implanting in my mind about the Fact i need to be more understanding of the deal in which i have to not feel upset with myself in carrying such burden, like the second video states, I'm not wrong for Being Hurt in overflowing, but I need to make sure my mind and soul stay more free, even if it means worrying about myself more than others at times. it's hard for me to be selfish even a little, because at one point in my life, i was TOO selfish. and i Promised myself i wouldn't go back to that again. i only hope i don't.

and as for my close friend? I Love her, and I only Hope her ordeal is healed and we can be back together like old times. 

but the wait is painful enough. and I have to still be patient, whether I like it or not.. 

*Jurai Or....*

Creating art with a Dangerous Mind.

Went to get my transit pass today cause i can't drive still due to the anxiety.

this month i get older, but i did break one silence this year, I've old a close friend why i cant drive. if anything my anxiety was not always expressive but now i felt comfortable to express that to someone as to why i cant drive.

I've always felt the simple things i don't have are why I'm by myself and single for the last 5 to 6 years, the money, the car, the home, the way I'm dress, the way i speak. the way i look. my weight, my bald head, my facial hair. my bad habits in talking too much, or coming on too strong when talking to a woman. sometimes its confusing. i get anxiety from talking to people, even women. some i was lucky to gain attention due to my art skills or mutual friends. but if anything its because of that alone is why i was able to break ground with them. i look amongst me and i see women who break up with people ore get dumped, saying they will stay single forever, and then contradict themselves when a man their physically attracted to talks to them. i have one friend who literally ends up sleeping with a guy before she even gets to know them. like how does that happen? i don't hate her, its just sad i see that happen. sometimes i feel like maybe its a curse having too many women as friends then men. i felt that if anything growing up with women being more dominant in the bloodline was the reason why I'm easily able to communicate with women after i am able to break ground. but at the same time, I've tried to have a shot with no avail, i tried asking a close friends of women i like asking advice what i should do, and still doesn't help. and then seeing so many other things on an on and on. its sad a close friend of mine who shows no interest in me is willing to take me to celebrate my birthday and she doesn't have to. honestly i feel bad about it when i think about it. time to time some women i cant even shoot or regret shooting because as a rule as a photographer, you're "not to put your emotions in your work or work field". and yet its hard because my emotions makes the work i produce better. that's like saying, don't use your imagination to write a story, use you're intellect instead. if anything this year makes me feel like its another year of me being single and alone.

today marks the third week ive been depressed in years. ive never thought i dealt with this issue for so long. and if anything i feel sick. i had to hide some of it sunday when i was being productive because i had to be professional. only because sometimes i can not be a sour puss when working for models. they dont care about my heart, they care about my work. (well a few care about me in some cases but not heart wise much) its tragic i can make the most well made photography, and yet i have to sleep off this depression yet end up waking up with the depression. i can make art to make me think, "i have the greatest job in the world" and yet go home saying ," i want to end my life" every hour. how is that possible? how is it i can make this craft and yet still feel miserable? is it my passion:? ignorance? i dont understand. if anything it is rediculous. some people would tell me to either stop working or not persue this but i do love it too much, to the point in mu success i ask for one thing: to have a special woman by my side be proud of what i do, let people know that a man she gives her heart to makes the art he loves. and that he loves life, loves art, and loves her. not sex. not bragging rights, not even lewd reasons. if anything i see sex more reasons why i noticed relatioships on my friends list at times. and sometimes it makes me confused. if i talk sex, im considered a "Dog" or a "pervert" but if i talk about love and passion, im considered some"gay black guy talking out of his ass" or worse. to the left of me assertiveness, to the right chivalry. its like neither can go together, thug and an gentleman. GEMINI. 

i feel like this year and this lonely heart needs to change and fast. if anything for my mom's sake to know she can rest happy knowing im loved by a woman who loves me for me. and loves me and gave me a chance to love her back. 

but again im probably writing another excuse to why im single still for another 6th year.

venting or maybe just frustrated and yet feeling too deep and alone.

i dunno. maybe i'll never get out of this rotting hole of depression.

especially since i can't get alot of help or wont get the love i desire.

you be the judge.

*jurai Or Die*