Problems with My Mental Health: It's Been a While. But I'm Not Okay.

Had a Moment of breakdown today. Ended up Livestreaming the moment Since it reached a breaking point of Aggression and Pain. But enough is Enough. I've Upset My Best friend, to the point she is Keeping her distance from me, not to mention she is Dealing with Heartbreak herself from a breakup. And it feels like People are either assuming im asking for attention, or Im making this up. Ive cried so many nights i felt so much pain letting things go. 

Monday.

Tuesday:

Wednesday, 

Received Words of Encouragement from a Friend/Model who admires my work and Even Worked with me Once. 

"Yesterday is over. 

Learn from the lessons you came across but do not live in the negative moments on which you stumbled over. Always reflect but don't stay there or you will miss the amazing present in front of you.

Today is here. 

What a beautiful gift indeed! A chance to grow and stay positive. Do not focus on the what ifs, could haves or should haves. Shine bright to light up hope for someone who may be alone crawling in the dark. Stay positive! You made it here! Look at you kicking ass and surviving! You have overcome so much already, DO NOT cut yourself down for being a fighter because you are a champion! Life is trying to talk to you. Listen.

Tomorrow is waiting for you.

Be excited because no matter what happens in the current moment, you can try again. Grab all the opportunities it has to offer because it is a new, undamaged, clean page which to write anything you want. The beautiful things you can write are endless! Keep your mind open more and your soul free!

You've got this!! 💜 I'm only a message away and I'm not the only one. We all love you Rai! Keep your head up so you can see. Don't walk with your head down anymore! Your feet will carry you without you staring down at them. Life, opportunity and happiness are front of you, not below you. Your friends and family walk beside you, not below you. Your missing the view staring at the past. Chin up! Shoulders back! Today is the first day of forever!!

Xoxo

Kristin Arlee"

(photo of Model/Friend mentioned, Photo taken By me)

I have to start implanting in my mind about the Fact i need to be more understanding of the deal in which i have to not feel upset with myself in carrying such burden, like the second video states, I'm not wrong for Being Hurt in overflowing, but I need to make sure my mind and soul stay more free, even if it means worrying about myself more than others at times. it's hard for me to be selfish even a little, because at one point in my life, i was TOO selfish. and i Promised myself i wouldn't go back to that again. i only hope i don't.

and as for my close friend? I Love her, and I only Hope her ordeal is healed and we can be back together like old times. 

but the wait is painful enough. and I have to still be patient, whether I like it or not.. 

*Jurai Or....*

Problems with My Mental Health : sense of less intuition.

 I don't realize when is a time and place to realize curiosity is a not a bad thing and details are not always ment to be seen and heard. It's bad I don't realize when I have to take a step back and realize it's not my business to know the details on someone's personal or private moments or plans. I tend to not realize I overstep boundaries til it happens afterwards. I hate when it ruins my friendships or it tends to give the people who care about me a sense of uncomfort. I did it recently when I asked a friend about her plans for doing shoots and she was multitasking things on planning things out for video and photography and promotions and what have you.  I kept asking questions to know more detail til I didn't realized I was overdoing it and the close friend of mine felt upset at the outcome and was mad at me. I hate it. I wish I never had this feeling sometimes cause its probably why I deal with this shit on a daily basis. She had every right to be upset. I do this a lot and it's one of my habits. 

There are times I don't realize my curiosity needs to be limited, that it's okay to not know. But sadly I don't have the logic to comprehend it. Sometimes when I get requests from someone to get something or do a favor, it feels like I'm missing information, til it goes to the point I am lost, such as something simple like a bottle of soda, or a combination of a order at a fast food restaurant. I hate it sounds like I'm being a smart ass. But I'm really not. I'm just needin more detail to understand the situation.  To get a better glimpse of what I need to do. It works easier in restaurants because it's part of the job to the perfection, but it's annoying to the public and with friends because I have to ask otherwise it will confused the hell out of me. I don't like it. Never did. But it's something I did all my life til I got older. 

Please if youve ever been a witness to this, let me know and pull me back into reality to get me to stop. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel uncomfortable in this sense. And to my friends who I annoy with this, I'm sorry. It's something I need to gradually learn. 

*Jurai Or Die*